I really appreciate posts like this here. I’m about a week out from physically separating, and I hate that it feels like my entire world has fallen apart in every aspect. I want to have hope, but it’s scary. And nice to see things turn out for the better for people after divorce!
It helped me back when I was in that situation, I plan to post more updates if it helps people. I am not fully recovered and I'm not sure I ever fully will, but it absolutely does get better with time.
Been almost a year for me too. I'm not really better though, just more indifferent. I'm surprised you have a gf already. I tried dating a bit, and all the guys were just...not good. I was really grossed out by a lot of them tbh. I had only dated my ex before this, but I'd had some crushes before him, they just never liked me back. But I tried OLD and it made me realize I'm not attracted to like at least 95% of men. Even many conventionally attractive men. Not attracted to women at all though, just a very small number of men.
OLD sucked for me too but I'm below average looks so it was expected. I met and matched through reddit personals and found someone locally that worked.
My top two are quality time and physical touch. Those were my ex's bottom two, and I always craved attention with her. When I met my current partner, she tested with the same two that I have. Life is glorious now, and I can't believe I settled for so long previously.
Absolutely. My goal in life was to get married to my best friend and own a home together. I did that until she wanted out. I don't want to rush into a new marriage with the wrong person, but once I find the right person, I will definitely marry again.
Personally, it wouldn't affect me. If I were in your situation with my SO and we had been married and had a kid, it would not bother me. Her explanation makes sense, she had a draft of a letter where she was planning to tell you, ect. It's not that big of a lie, it's only two years. It is a lie, but it started out as an insignificant white lie that she just never corrected. People tell white lies all the time. It just got a bit out of hand the more involved you became, and that was wrong.
Christmas was much less stressful for me this year. My husband was very passive aggressive about Christmas. He acted like he didn't like it or it wouldn't phase him if we didn't celebrate. There are 4 kids in our blended family.. so basically that left it on me if I wanted to celebrate Christmas. And make all the magic happen. He got to sit back and reap the benefits while simultaneously claiming...this is my idea so I can do all the work. Putting together the tree, decorations, cookies, buying presents for a family of 6...his family..my family.. wrapping it all... making sure I saved for it. Cooking and clean up. He was such a Grinch. First Christmas not together and I see him posting sad posts on his Facebook about how he's all alone for Christmas. Hmm .that's interesting since he acted like Christmas was completely a regular day while I busted my ass for weeks. Really puts it into perspective.
Sorry to hear that but it sounds like you made the right decision and will be better off going forward. I can relate with the bits about feeling like you have to do it all if it is going to get done. That can be so stressful, so at least now you can move forward and work on a better future.
I was happy the year I got Covid for Christmas Eve with the in-laws and had to stay home. Jumping figuratively (in bed) with joy the year I had the flu. This year, I was doing jumping jacks because I wasn’t invited. Silver lining of divorce.
Haha yep, same here. I just never realized how much I dreaded the holidays every year until this year it's so stress free. Got to spend all day watching christmas movies with the family instead of being stressed to the limits somewhere.
Well not all do. Mine didn't. She said later she had been grieving the end of our relationship for a year. Then why give me the most beautiful anniversary card claiming she chose me over and over and how much she wanted to be with me a month before she left?
She was probably a dismissive avoidant like mine. There was no indication that anything was wrong until she randomly said she wanted a divorce one day. We hung out daily, played games together, watched shows together, went on vacations together and were best friends. A week before she told me, we went shopping to get her some bathing suits for a vacation later this year. A month before she told me, we had visited her family for the holidays where her mom had told me I was the best son in law she could have ever asked for and she was glad I was part of the family. Two months before she told me, I had been on a business trip, she had missed me and called me to talk on the phone for two hours and had said she couldn't wait until I got home.
I am not there yet but I needed to hear this. I overthink things and I constantly wonder how she can throw away so much time together and not even bother to want to fix her issues. I question everything she ever said. None of it makes any sense. How she can just pretend we never existed now and not even talk to me anymore, and how she just goes about her life existing while I'm sitting here dying. I wonder if she even thinks about me in her free time when I can never stop thinking about her. Hate it hate it hate it.
It's been 3 months almost to the day for me. That's not enough time. I'm not sure even a year will help. But I can tell you I'm much better today than I was 3 months ago. And in 6 months I know I will be even better. You will get there, just hang in. Let the emotions come if they need to. Holding them in will only prolong it.
13 years together, 10 years married and now it's just thrown in the trash. Now I don't exist to her anymore. My family keeps telling me to move on and make new friends but no one seems to understand how difficult that is when I barely have the capacity to get out of bed and through each and every day.
This is what I had to realize. I made my mistakes but essentially she threw away a 10 year marriage because she lacked the ability to effectively communicate what she wanted and needed. There was never anything I could have ever done with that if she refused to communicate with me.
I had the same thing. I only ever wanted to do right by her and our kids. The difference for me is that the person she confided in was a stay-at-home dad neighbor who became her fitness buddy. He likes to bitch and moan also, so I guess they have that in common.
We didn't have kids thankfully but I still have all the regret. It essentially boils down to I regret not being able to read her mind which is hard to swallow. My only solace is that she will eventually realize when her next relationship fails that she was the majority of the problem and not me. I am in therapy and working on my issues but she refused to acknowledge that she caused any damage whatsoever.
I know too well this feeling mate. Loneliness is a powerful emotion in this time and I'm sorry you have to go through. I feel you mate. Fortunately there's apps for your interest. Together VR is probably what you're looking for? I really appreciate these games when I'm away from home for work. I highly HIGHLY recommend "Focus on You". It's come a long way to give more than a short experience to now spend countless hours. It's not sexualised and very immersive. Or else, VR Kanojo is another go to that I thoroughly enjoyed for quite some time. But Focus on You is my favourite. I've never tried it but apparently House dating VR is a real life VR experience with a Korean gf. Worth trying out. Bigscreen is great for opening a room to share with people you wanna interact with. I used to open chat rooms to talk about philosophy, spirituality and psychedelics and anything else. You can also find rooms/worlds in VR Chat and talk to some cool people, if that's your thing. It was never really mine as I'm pretty introverted but I like being around others, even if I'm not the one talking. I hope you overcome your loneliness soon bud. Everything ends. Even the sad times. ✌️
Poker stars VR is good sometimes to interact with ppl, You get a good lobby sometimes; RecRoom has a bunch of games with ppl; if you wanna go solo here are some good titles: Star wars Galaxies edge is good; Resident Evil 4 is always good with motion controls and if you got a gaming PC you should try Half-life Alyx, hope it helps 🤟😀
I wish I wasn't in the house but at the same time it's the only option. I see her everywhere. Every single morning without fail I check to see if her stuff is back on her sink yet, or her vanity is still missing, or if she's in her side of the bed. I still catch myself glancing over at her spot on the couch while watching TV to see if she's sitting there. I don't get why, because I know she's not there, but I have to keep checking. I still see memories of her in my things, and the communal things she didn't take. I hate it.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and these terrible feelings. I don't have anything to say except that there are people out there suffering just like you are. I could have written this myself. Same length of marriage, same feelings, same damn everything. As someone hurting and feeling this way every single day, I just want to say hang in there. As many have said, it will get better. I'm a long way from it and so are you. But I do think we can eventually reach a place of being okay, of acceptance, of peace.
I'm in same situation as u. Finding a partner to settle down was my life goal. I thought all was good when I met my wife and married her. But she is an extreme avoidant (fearful and dismissive traits) and would almost do things all by her own, keeping me out of her family and plans. By the time she tells me her plans, it is always already decided and if I object, we end up quarreling and she will stonewall me and say I am too difficult. She moved out and returned to her hometown, leaving me to settle the divorce even though I don't want a divorce. Marriage was lonely but now that I fear the unknown out there and feel quite depressed this period being alone.
Same here man. All I wanted in life was a house and someone to share my life with. I got married right out of college and I thought she was my soul mate. I can't relate to the plans things because we always did everything together, but apparently my stbxw didn't want to do everything together, but failed to mention that.
I can relate to this but it doesn't make things any easier. I still miss her. Her attachment style is avoidant and mine is anxious. The closer I got the more she would pull away. We got on okay and I think she cared to some extent, but I always felt alone and like I cared more than she did.
My wife was a dismissive avoidant but I didn't know until after it was too late. Knew her for 12 years, married for 10. Divorce blindsided me. She told me her reasons but while I respect her decision and I assume it was bad enough for her, they were all fixable to me and flimsy reasons to get a divorce. I found out I was an anxious attachment style and she took the quiz and she was dismissive avoidant. Hopefully she fixes herself for her next person I guess or she's just going to do this again.
This is scary accurate except it was my wife that left and she was my employee. I (mostly) didn't mind at the time because we both worked from home and my job gave me more freedom, but looking back at it now I realize how I did the majority of all chores. It was just easier to do them myself rather than expecting or asking her to do anything.
I'm two months in and I still feel like you most days, but now I do have a few up days. Find a new hobby to occupy all that extra time you have now. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier because it doesn't, not for a really long time. Hasn't gotten easier for me yet and I'm still in a mostly dark thunderstorm.
You made me sad. I’m wondering when you will become a strong person again, capable to stand up, turn your back and walk your high path to a better life. Happiness might just be round the corner. Good luck man!
I am wondering the same thing too and I hope it gets here sooner rather than later. Feeling up today though, so there is that. Thanks and good looking out.
She was my best friend for 17 yrs, then cheated on my. I took her back. 2 years later it was over for good. I was addicted to her and thought my live would be over for sure. I promise you, with time and the good advice here, things get better. Maybe not all the advise you are ready to take, but sleeping at least 8, eating good food, and exercise daily. If you can do at least these 3 things on a consistent basis, it WILL get better. I promise you, it WILL get better. Hang in there bud
I had none up until my wife left me, she was all I needed. Now I've been forced to create a few friendships via Discord and online. It's early stages so I don't feel super close to them and I still feel like I don't really have anyone. It sucks.
i'm not 100% on the details because it's been a while since i saw it but could it be
Solved!
A wild comment.
Perhaps
Thank you so much. My googlefu completely failed me on this one.
I really appreciate posts like this here. I’m about a week out from physically separating, and I hate that it feels like my entire world has fallen apart in every aspect. I want to have hope, but it’s scary. And nice to see things turn out for the better for people after divorce!
It helped me back when I was in that situation, I plan to post more updates if it helps people. I am not fully recovered and I'm not sure I ever fully will, but it absolutely does get better with time.
Been almost a year for me too. I'm not really better though, just more indifferent. I'm surprised you have a gf already. I tried dating a bit, and all the guys were just...not good. I was really grossed out by a lot of them tbh. I had only dated my ex before this, but I'd had some crushes before him, they just never liked me back. But I tried OLD and it made me realize I'm not attracted to like at least 95% of men. Even many conventionally attractive men. Not attracted to women at all though, just a very small number of men.
OLD sucked for me too but I'm below average looks so it was expected. I met and matched through reddit personals and found someone locally that worked.
My top two are quality time and physical touch. Those were my ex's bottom two, and I always craved attention with her. When I met my current partner, she tested with the same two that I have. Life is glorious now, and I can't believe I settled for so long previously.
Absolutely. My goal in life was to get married to my best friend and own a home together. I did that until she wanted out. I don't want to rush into a new marriage with the wrong person, but once I find the right person, I will definitely marry again.
Nope. I learned more about her in the year after she left than I did the 13 years we were together. I could never trust her again.
Whats the purpose of getting proof?
If divorce is considered and there is proof of cheating, it could affect the division of assets in a fault-based divorce.
Personally, it wouldn't affect me. If I were in your situation with my SO and we had been married and had a kid, it would not bother me. Her explanation makes sense, she had a draft of a letter where she was planning to tell you, ect. It's not that big of a lie, it's only two years. It is a lie, but it started out as an insignificant white lie that she just never corrected. People tell white lies all the time. It just got a bit out of hand the more involved you became, and that was wrong.
Christmas was much less stressful for me this year. My husband was very passive aggressive about Christmas. He acted like he didn't like it or it wouldn't phase him if we didn't celebrate. There are 4 kids in our blended family.. so basically that left it on me if I wanted to celebrate Christmas. And make all the magic happen. He got to sit back and reap the benefits while simultaneously claiming...this is my idea so I can do all the work. Putting together the tree, decorations, cookies, buying presents for a family of 6...his family..my family.. wrapping it all... making sure I saved for it. Cooking and clean up. He was such a Grinch. First Christmas not together and I see him posting sad posts on his Facebook about how he's all alone for Christmas. Hmm .that's interesting since he acted like Christmas was completely a regular day while I busted my ass for weeks. Really puts it into perspective.
Sorry to hear that but it sounds like you made the right decision and will be better off going forward. I can relate with the bits about feeling like you have to do it all if it is going to get done. That can be so stressful, so at least now you can move forward and work on a better future.
I was happy the year I got Covid for Christmas Eve with the in-laws and had to stay home. Jumping figuratively (in bed) with joy the year I had the flu. This year, I was doing jumping jacks because I wasn’t invited. Silver lining of divorce.
Haha yep, same here. I just never realized how much I dreaded the holidays every year until this year it's so stress free. Got to spend all day watching christmas movies with the family instead of being stressed to the limits somewhere.
Well not all do. Mine didn't. She said later she had been grieving the end of our relationship for a year. Then why give me the most beautiful anniversary card claiming she chose me over and over and how much she wanted to be with me a month before she left?
She was probably a dismissive avoidant like mine. There was no indication that anything was wrong until she randomly said she wanted a divorce one day. We hung out daily, played games together, watched shows together, went on vacations together and were best friends. A week before she told me, we went shopping to get her some bathing suits for a vacation later this year. A month before she told me, we had visited her family for the holidays where her mom had told me I was the best son in law she could have ever asked for and she was glad I was part of the family. Two months before she told me, I had been on a business trip, she had missed me and called me to talk on the phone for two hours and had said she couldn't wait until I got home.
I am not there yet but I needed to hear this. I overthink things and I constantly wonder how she can throw away so much time together and not even bother to want to fix her issues. I question everything she ever said. None of it makes any sense. How she can just pretend we never existed now and not even talk to me anymore, and how she just goes about her life existing while I'm sitting here dying. I wonder if she even thinks about me in her free time when I can never stop thinking about her. Hate it hate it hate it.
[удалено]
Shit sucks. Hope it gets better for you.
It's been 3 months almost to the day for me. That's not enough time. I'm not sure even a year will help. But I can tell you I'm much better today than I was 3 months ago. And in 6 months I know I will be even better. You will get there, just hang in. Let the emotions come if they need to. Holding them in will only prolong it.
Spending all evening on her phone and claiming she was too tired to do anything with me or help with chores.
13 years together, 10 years married and now it's just thrown in the trash. Now I don't exist to her anymore. My family keeps telling me to move on and make new friends but no one seems to understand how difficult that is when I barely have the capacity to get out of bed and through each and every day.
It might never.
This is what I had to realize. I made my mistakes but essentially she threw away a 10 year marriage because she lacked the ability to effectively communicate what she wanted and needed. There was never anything I could have ever done with that if she refused to communicate with me.
I had the same thing. I only ever wanted to do right by her and our kids. The difference for me is that the person she confided in was a stay-at-home dad neighbor who became her fitness buddy. He likes to bitch and moan also, so I guess they have that in common.
We didn't have kids thankfully but I still have all the regret. It essentially boils down to I regret not being able to read her mind which is hard to swallow. My only solace is that she will eventually realize when her next relationship fails that she was the majority of the problem and not me. I am in therapy and working on my issues but she refused to acknowledge that she caused any damage whatsoever.
I know too well this feeling mate. Loneliness is a powerful emotion in this time and I'm sorry you have to go through. I feel you mate. Fortunately there's apps for your interest. Together VR is probably what you're looking for? I really appreciate these games when I'm away from home for work. I highly HIGHLY recommend "Focus on You". It's come a long way to give more than a short experience to now spend countless hours. It's not sexualised and very immersive. Or else, VR Kanojo is another go to that I thoroughly enjoyed for quite some time. But Focus on You is my favourite. I've never tried it but apparently House dating VR is a real life VR experience with a Korean gf. Worth trying out. Bigscreen is great for opening a room to share with people you wanna interact with. I used to open chat rooms to talk about philosophy, spirituality and psychedelics and anything else. You can also find rooms/worlds in VR Chat and talk to some cool people, if that's your thing. It was never really mine as I'm pretty introverted but I like being around others, even if I'm not the one talking. I hope you overcome your loneliness soon bud. Everything ends. Even the sad times. ✌️
Thank you. I picked up Focus on You and VR Kanojo. I will look into those others later but the first two seemed like good fits.
Poker stars VR is good sometimes to interact with ppl, You get a good lobby sometimes; RecRoom has a bunch of games with ppl; if you wanna go solo here are some good titles: Star wars Galaxies edge is good; Resident Evil 4 is always good with motion controls and if you got a gaming PC you should try Half-life Alyx, hope it helps 🤟😀
Poker stars looks like it would be neat but I know nothing about poker. I will try star wars and Alyx though.
You're not alone. My situation is extremely similar. Every day feels like I'm on auto-pilot.
I wish I wasn't in the house but at the same time it's the only option. I see her everywhere. Every single morning without fail I check to see if her stuff is back on her sink yet, or her vanity is still missing, or if she's in her side of the bed. I still catch myself glancing over at her spot on the couch while watching TV to see if she's sitting there. I don't get why, because I know she's not there, but I have to keep checking. I still see memories of her in my things, and the communal things she didn't take. I hate it.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and these terrible feelings. I don't have anything to say except that there are people out there suffering just like you are. I could have written this myself. Same length of marriage, same feelings, same damn everything. As someone hurting and feeling this way every single day, I just want to say hang in there. As many have said, it will get better. I'm a long way from it and so are you. But I do think we can eventually reach a place of being okay, of acceptance, of peace.
I hope so. I hate this. What do you do to survive?
I'm in same situation as u. Finding a partner to settle down was my life goal. I thought all was good when I met my wife and married her. But she is an extreme avoidant (fearful and dismissive traits) and would almost do things all by her own, keeping me out of her family and plans. By the time she tells me her plans, it is always already decided and if I object, we end up quarreling and she will stonewall me and say I am too difficult. She moved out and returned to her hometown, leaving me to settle the divorce even though I don't want a divorce. Marriage was lonely but now that I fear the unknown out there and feel quite depressed this period being alone.
Same here man. All I wanted in life was a house and someone to share my life with. I got married right out of college and I thought she was my soul mate. I can't relate to the plans things because we always did everything together, but apparently my stbxw didn't want to do everything together, but failed to mention that.
I can relate to this but it doesn't make things any easier. I still miss her. Her attachment style is avoidant and mine is anxious. The closer I got the more she would pull away. We got on okay and I think she cared to some extent, but I always felt alone and like I cared more than she did.
My wife was a dismissive avoidant but I didn't know until after it was too late. Knew her for 12 years, married for 10. Divorce blindsided me. She told me her reasons but while I respect her decision and I assume it was bad enough for her, they were all fixable to me and flimsy reasons to get a divorce. I found out I was an anxious attachment style and she took the quiz and she was dismissive avoidant. Hopefully she fixes herself for her next person I guess or she's just going to do this again.
[удалено]
This is scary accurate except it was my wife that left and she was my employee. I (mostly) didn't mind at the time because we both worked from home and my job gave me more freedom, but looking back at it now I realize how I did the majority of all chores. It was just easier to do them myself rather than expecting or asking her to do anything.
I'm two months in and I still feel like you most days, but now I do have a few up days. Find a new hobby to occupy all that extra time you have now. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier because it doesn't, not for a really long time. Hasn't gotten easier for me yet and I'm still in a mostly dark thunderstorm.
You made me sad. I’m wondering when you will become a strong person again, capable to stand up, turn your back and walk your high path to a better life. Happiness might just be round the corner. Good luck man!
I am wondering the same thing too and I hope it gets here sooner rather than later. Feeling up today though, so there is that. Thanks and good looking out.
She was my best friend for 17 yrs, then cheated on my. I took her back. 2 years later it was over for good. I was addicted to her and thought my live would be over for sure. I promise you, with time and the good advice here, things get better. Maybe not all the advise you are ready to take, but sleeping at least 8, eating good food, and exercise daily. If you can do at least these 3 things on a consistent basis, it WILL get better. I promise you, it WILL get better. Hang in there bud
Thanks brother. Good looking out. I do all of those except exercising. Maybe I need to add that in there.
I had none up until my wife left me, she was all I needed. Now I've been forced to create a few friendships via Discord and online. It's early stages so I don't feel super close to them and I still feel like I don't really have anyone. It sucks.