Relationships require compromise, but they don’t mean you lose yourself in the process. Your core values define a big part of who you are, and I don’t think they are worth forgoing.
You don't have to apologize for your beliefs. Just don't apologize for her feelings. That makes a sucky apology. If you don't feel sorry for your opinion, say what you are sorry for, e.g. "I'm sorry I brought up an upsetting topic, I didn't mean to hurt you" or "I'm sorry for how I said that, I wasn't very kind". You can apologize for bringing hurt without apologizing for the opinion.
You're not wrong, there's a lot of invalidation of male victims of domestic violence out there, and Google has a bad record of showing and amplifying societal biases. The same society that creates r*pe culture says men can't be victims, preventing them from getting help. They aren't counter points, just two reflections of the same issue.
Thanks for the responses. I'm frankly worried for you because I predicted correctly about the house. I know your heart is likely torn on this because as tired as you are, this is the man you married.
A good mother in law, upon discovering she arrived at nap time, would say "oh no, let's not wake them up. Come on honey, let's go grab some coffee and you can tell me what's new in your life. We can visit with my grandbaby and [OP] when they're rested".
No, I’m a father to a daughter and a son. I give advice based on reality we live in, not fairytales you want to believe. Sometimes women truly look for an honest opinion from men, and they’re looking for answers that make sense to them… Men are not women, and unless she’s getting married to a man who already has children, she’ll be left aside years after she can’t attract decent men anymore.
My daughter loves playing with her dolls, playing a mother to them, playing doctor to them, nurturing them. So I allow her natural instincts to flourish and I encourage her, that mothering, and having good manners, wanting to care for children is more noble than the engineering graduates that make drinks in bars…. Men built and run the world and die to defend our societal values, but we need good women to birth more men to maintain the societies we built…. And it’s why we, men, love our mothers, die for our mothers/wives/daughters…. It’s our duty to our families… And it all starts with morals, and purity…. Men value those above all else… we don’t give a shit about your paychecks
I think you're doing the healthy thing for you. Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong. None of these other people, myself included, know what you're going thru. This is entirely your experience. You deserve to be happy. If your daughter can't handle that, then she needs to go.
If you still want even a small hope at recovering your relationship with your daughter, you need to actually listen to her - in family therapy would be best. You also need to seek therapy for yourself because you may not see it, but it's clear you're not moved on as much as you think. Describing Chloe as "the only good thing" and then your handling of this situation tells me that you aren't healed, just distracted. You're still grieving and tricked yourself into thinking you had moved on - if you are not whole and well without Chloe then you weren't whole and well with her. That wouldn't have been fair to anyone.
You were either underage or barely legal when you started. I know you feel like you're equals, but no healthy 27 year old looks at an 18 year old and sees someone as having equal power. They see someone they can control and train.
Info: Is there anything that can be gained by him legally or socially by doing reconciliation instead of divorce? It sounds as though he's not actually interested in reconciling so it makes me question his motives.
Since you ask this, I'll give you a brief background-I'm highly qualified with a prestigious job and sort of well loved and respected by every one around me( my family, friends, social circle which is huge). I'm financially way above him. During our first meeting after 5 months, we ran into his colleague. He insisted on me speaking to his colleague and introduced me as his wife and told him about my work. I do feel he is under societal pressure to stay married.
Given that he expressed wanting to do reconciliation with a goal of you changing, but shows no interest in actual connection, it sounds as though he wants to preserve the income and social status that you provide but under the condition that you stop asking him to change.
“You’re not competing against the top 10% of men, Steve, whatever the hell that means. You’re being judged against my life without a man in it at all. And right now, spending Saturday night at the bookstore and then going home for couch snuggles with an animal who scratches the furniture and shits in a box sounds like less work and way more fun.”
How else am I supposed to live out my dream of being the next Miss Manners or Ask Abby without writing out detailed, insightful masterpieces that will ultimately be read, given a day's worth of accolades, and then immediately forgotten by all?
(continued) It sounds like you're making a lot of progress (presumably in therapy) and that's good. But I don't think you've been as self aware in this one as you think you have.
(continued) You speak judgementally about his communication in many places. Maybe he does have communication issues, maybe communication on certain things is hard because of his upbringing. That's his own journey if so and you can only encourage, not force it. But consider whether it is your perception of his communication that is the issue. Is he refusing to talk about an issue, or are you demanding to talk about something that he is justified in setting a boundary against talking about? Is it something about him or is it about your friendship? If the former, he sets any and all limits around communication. If it's the latter, consider timing. Some people need time to process and that is ok. That is not a communication problem.
If anyone is invested in my story- I told my directors and they kicked it back to HR and I have been granted an 8% raise! Thanks everyone for the support and comments
Relationships require compromise, but they don’t mean you lose yourself in the process. Your core values define a big part of who you are, and I don’t think they are worth forgoing.
You don't have to apologize for your beliefs. Just don't apologize for her feelings. That makes a sucky apology. If you don't feel sorry for your opinion, say what you are sorry for, e.g. "I'm sorry I brought up an upsetting topic, I didn't mean to hurt you" or "I'm sorry for how I said that, I wasn't very kind". You can apologize for bringing hurt without apologizing for the opinion.
You're not wrong, there's a lot of invalidation of male victims of domestic violence out there, and Google has a bad record of showing and amplifying societal biases. The same society that creates r*pe culture says men can't be victims, preventing them from getting help. They aren't counter points, just two reflections of the same issue.
He pays the mortgage, utilities, pool, all bills like that for the house
Is your name on the house title?
No, he bought the house prior to us meeting so my name isn’t on the house. And yes which is why I mentioned groceries to begin with because it adds up
Thanks for the responses. I'm frankly worried for you because I predicted correctly about the house. I know your heart is likely torn on this because as tired as you are, this is the man you married.
Ooh that's fantastic 😂
A good mother in law, upon discovering she arrived at nap time, would say "oh no, let's not wake them up. Come on honey, let's go grab some coffee and you can tell me what's new in your life. We can visit with my grandbaby and [OP] when they're rested".
I think she had a fantasy of how this would go and that she'd win you over with sex and food. It sounds like she's starting to wake up.
Here is something I posted on another site:
What does this have to do with anything
No, I’m a father to a daughter and a son. I give advice based on reality we live in, not fairytales you want to believe. Sometimes women truly look for an honest opinion from men, and they’re looking for answers that make sense to them… Men are not women, and unless she’s getting married to a man who already has children, she’ll be left aside years after she can’t attract decent men anymore.
Do you tell your daughter outright that you believe her only value is in her ability to bear offspring or do you just imply it?
My daughter loves playing with her dolls, playing a mother to them, playing doctor to them, nurturing them. So I allow her natural instincts to flourish and I encourage her, that mothering, and having good manners, wanting to care for children is more noble than the engineering graduates that make drinks in bars…. Men built and run the world and die to defend our societal values, but we need good women to birth more men to maintain the societies we built…. And it’s why we, men, love our mothers, die for our mothers/wives/daughters…. It’s our duty to our families… And it all starts with morals, and purity…. Men value those above all else… we don’t give a shit about your paychecks
I grieve for the women in your life who you see as only having value as breeding stock
I think you're doing the healthy thing for you. Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong. None of these other people, myself included, know what you're going thru. This is entirely your experience. You deserve to be happy. If your daughter can't handle that, then she needs to go.
Go where? She's literally dependant on him
If you still want even a small hope at recovering your relationship with your daughter, you need to actually listen to her - in family therapy would be best. You also need to seek therapy for yourself because you may not see it, but it's clear you're not moved on as much as you think. Describing Chloe as "the only good thing" and then your handling of this situation tells me that you aren't healed, just distracted. You're still grieving and tricked yourself into thinking you had moved on - if you are not whole and well without Chloe then you weren't whole and well with her. That wouldn't have been fair to anyone.
He seems like a decent person, it's a shame he can speak.
You were either underage or barely legal when you started. I know you feel like you're equals, but no healthy 27 year old looks at an 18 year old and sees someone as having equal power. They see someone they can control and train.
Honestly; Unless they are a Kalista main, this is my exact same thought process.
Yesss.
NTA it's your wedding. If they want to be there for it all they should have shown up on time.
ESH but mostly you.
I agree with most of what you said.
That's fair, and part of why I went with ESH - he did seem to react disproportionately
Info: Is there anything that can be gained by him legally or socially by doing reconciliation instead of divorce? It sounds as though he's not actually interested in reconciling so it makes me question his motives.
Since you ask this, I'll give you a brief background-I'm highly qualified with a prestigious job and sort of well loved and respected by every one around me( my family, friends, social circle which is huge). I'm financially way above him. During our first meeting after 5 months, we ran into his colleague. He insisted on me speaking to his colleague and introduced me as his wife and told him about my work. I do feel he is under societal pressure to stay married.
Given that he expressed wanting to do reconciliation with a goal of you changing, but shows no interest in actual connection, it sounds as though he wants to preserve the income and social status that you provide but under the condition that you stop asking him to change.
YTA and also being super creepy and unhinged, knock it off.
Soft YTA
“You’re not competing against the top 10% of men, Steve, whatever the hell that means. You’re being judged against my life without a man in it at all. And right now, spending Saturday night at the bookstore and then going home for couch snuggles with an animal who scratches the furniture and shits in a box sounds like less work and way more fun.”
“But I’ve got money!”
How else am I supposed to live out my dream of being the next Miss Manners or Ask Abby without writing out detailed, insightful masterpieces that will ultimately be read, given a day's worth of accolades, and then immediately forgotten by all?
(continued) It sounds like you're making a lot of progress (presumably in therapy) and that's good. But I don't think you've been as self aware in this one as you think you have.
(continued) You speak judgementally about his communication in many places. Maybe he does have communication issues, maybe communication on certain things is hard because of his upbringing. That's his own journey if so and you can only encourage, not force it. But consider whether it is your perception of his communication that is the issue. Is he refusing to talk about an issue, or are you demanding to talk about something that he is justified in setting a boundary against talking about? Is it something about him or is it about your friendship? If the former, he sets any and all limits around communication. If it's the latter, consider timing. Some people need time to process and that is ok. That is not a communication problem.
(continued) You try to reach out to him but he is not open to comforting you after you hurt him over what he felt to be an inoccuous comment.
Sounds like your grandma is a piece of work.
YTA
YTA
She wasn't an adult when they started dating
NTA
Ummm... What?
[удалено]
Thanks for your considered response, and I agree that it's important to educate people on risks and severity of allergies.
[удалено]
OP isn't drawing others into this convo, you are by being unnecessarily rude and antagonistic.
I had the same thing and moved to Soraka - plus lots and lots of ARAM 😄
If anyone is invested in my story- I told my directors and they kicked it back to HR and I have been granted an 8% raise! Thanks everyone for the support and comments
Congrats!