1. It needs to be outnumbered/outpopulated. You need to build up experiences, however tiny, that are not shameful over time. It's basically the same as exposure therapy, which JBP has talked about a lot. 12 rules will help with this.

  2. I’ve only had my shame truly dismantled by one thing before: showing someone the aspect of myself I’m so ashamed of, and then seeing the affection and care in their eyes is unchanged.

  3. I've found a great deal of help from the writing of Fr Stephen Freeman, an Eastern Orthodox priest. He's been involved for a few years doing an insightful, even comprehensive, examination on this very topic. Google his name and find your way to his blog. I believe he's eventually going to publish a book about this.

  4. For me the most useful story is the lobster story. Confidence begets more confidence. I just listen to that first chapter of 12 rules for life - stand up straight with your shoulders back, every time I feel intense shame.

  5. It's funny how no one talks about shame. We all have it. It's the worst feeling any of us can feel, save for maybe grief of a child, but shame even rears it's ugly head there. Shame is so powerful a shadow that if left untreated can lead to shame sensitivity and narcissism.

  6. I have the same. Spiritual practices like meditation amd yoga have helped immensely. Toxic Shame stems from trauma. These practices have been empirically established as very effective in dealing with trauma.

  7. There's a great talk given by a psychologist named John Bradshaw in the 80s or 90s called "Healing the shame that binds you". I think you can find it on YouTube. Anyone with shame problems, myself included, can benefit from watching it. Not sure if he has answers, but I found it helpful.

  8. Shame is a good emotion. It stops us from repeating bad behaviors. If you were a monster or a bad person, you'd have no shame. Holding shame is enough for you to forgive yourself. Repeat to yourself everyday, "I have changed." "Im not that person anymore and my shame tells me so."

  9. Ultimately, you'll arrive at "forgiveness" as the answer. It's why every major religion comes back around to it in the end.

  10. We all deal with shame. It is part of the human element. We all fall short of expectation: especially our own. Another word for shame is failure.

  11. You be a man and just overcome it you don't be a little puppet or let anybody tell you what to do. I agree with a lot of Jordan Peterson's ideas but when some man tells you he's the greatest he's nothing but Trump and sheep's clothing

  12. Every good person experiences shame. It's only the evil ones who don't. Throwing the overused adjective 'toxic' in front of the word doesn't add any meaning. Being ashamed of being ashamed is redundant.

  13. Shame ultimately stems from a desire for approval. Acknowledge some people's approval as a lost cause when it is (because it often is) and don't prioritize it. Then the shame balance begins to rework itself.

  14. I think he would say that talking about or writing about those instances in which you were shamed as a child would help you reintegrate those emotions. Think about it from the point of view you have now as an adult and be mindful of how helpless you were as a child when you were told you were not good enough. And you could think about how healthy adults may have/should have treated you.

  15. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and truly have some compassion for yourself. No one is born perfect and he have all been affected by our upbringings and surroundings, now have some faith in yourself and act like somebody you would respect in each interaction and every day in your personal life.

  16. So I have a lot of shame associated with when I was an alcoholic. A big part getting past that for me was the realization that I must simply forgive myself.

  17. wtf is toxic shame ?? everything is toxic nowadays. If one's toxic"ally" shaming themselves, there's something pathological going on.

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