1. Since I read The Stand in High School I have had a constantly evolving plan on what I would do if I was a survivor. How would I get to Denver? What would I take with me? What should I need to find? Etc. Even today I was making plans on what I would do if my power went out for over a week. Can I get my camper in the driveway? Will there be enough room for our cars as well? How would I dispose of waste? Will the generator run the RV? How can I still keep the WiFi up in the house to use in the camper? On and on and on all because someone shot up a power station in my state and I wondered what would happen if my power station went down.

  2. When I was in like 3rd 4th grade I would always create this scenario in my head where a shooter bursts in and I gouge his eyes out with a pencil and then proceed to beat the crap out of him... probably would've gone differently irl

  3. I create elaborate fan fiction in my head; I’ve done it enough to get really good at it and A) should probably write some of it down, and B) have realized that I need to get a second job and / or a girlfriend

  4. My dad was at a party one night. Leaning against a doorframe with his right shoulder chatting to some mates. Needed to let loose with one. Figured the empty room behind was as good a place as any to guff. Glanced over left shoulder, all clear. Let rip successfully. Heard a small cough. Looked over his right shoulder and a woman was sitting alone in the room right in his blind spot. He'd farted directly into her face from about a foot away.

  5. Several years ago I had a super rare intestinal disorder. My intestines didn’t form properly during gestation, and got twisted up. For some reason I didn’t show symptoms until my 30’s. It’s something that has been discovered in adults only like 10 times in the last 60 years. It’s almost always found in babies, but even then only in like .2% of babies… so some pediatric surgeons have dealt with it, but basically no surgeons who work in adults. Due to the severity of it and the rarity of it, I had to go to a world renowned surgeon in Dallas to have it fixed.

  6. Whenever I fart in public I try to find an empty aisle where no one is even remotely close to in the store. And as soon as I drop the bomb someone just so happens to come waltzing through looking at stuff.

  7. 10 years ago my boyfriend and I had just started dating and we decided to take a trip together. We were late to get on our flight so i ended up sitting in front of him instead of next to him.(southwest) As we taking off I feel my stomach rumble and realize I’m going to have a bad case of the altitoots. I proceed to blow ass almost the entire flight. As soon as we get off the plane my BF starts complaining about how someone farted the entire flight. He was so mad and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was me. Instead I waited to tell him that secret on our one year anniversary. We had a good laugh about it and now he calls me toots.

  8. My sister told me a story when she really had to fart in a store (maybe target or Ross?) but she aimed for the candle section to mitigate the fallout. She, as she said, “crop dusted the area and quickly moved onto the next isle so as to not be associated with the smell”

  9. I got into an elevator in my building coming up from the parkade. There was a guy already in the elevator and I walked into straight fresh fart. The guy wouldn't make eye contact with me and panicked and got out at the ground floor. He full on ditched the elevator with me in his fart cloud and I knew because he actually pressed a button for the floor above mine but got out at ground and I had to ride the elevator up alone in what could only be described as putrid filth. It was so bad. It got in my mouth.

  10. I let one rip at a park— I thought it was safe because I was outside! But 20 seconds later a lady downwind with a golden doodle looked at her dog with disgust and said “Peaches!! What did you eat?!” Didn’t mean to blame it on the dog, but I didn’t correct the owner either

  11. I walked through someone’s fart at the market about a year ago and I still think about it every single time I’m in that section.

  12. When you go into an aisle in the grocery store and you see someone in front of the object you’re looking for so you pretend you’re getting something else all while hovering near them waiting for them to leave that area so you can get said object.

  13. I told my wife about an experience at Walmart where 3 people were blocking the bulk cheese bags while having a full blown reunion conversation. It's the cheese section. There was no reaching around the double cart blockade. It's a high traffic grocery section and deserves some respect. I was too polite to say anything and did a couple of loops until they finished. They were blocking the cheese, plain and simple. This is now a household phrase used when someone's in your way, frequently parroted by my progeny. Stop blocking the cheese! I'm now the butt of an eternal joke. FML

  14. I'm sure there's actually a term for this but the thing you do when you're upset or hurt and then attribute it to something that feels more respectable to be upset about. Like instead of crying because you're mad that someone forgot your birthday spirals into the long history of wrongs that person has made. Because it's embarrassing to say that you just wanted to be a special boy for a day.

  15. Mood congruent memory is a thing - when you feel a certain way you’re more likely to recall other events where you have felt the same. It is probably enhanced by the contextual information involving that particular person. Also kinda reminds me of the kick the dog effect. Where you take out your frustration or anger on something else that seems more appropriate or has less consequences than what caused it.

  16. Convincing yourself in your head that everyone around you is doing things perfectly and at full efficiency and expect the same of the people around them.

  17. I thought this a lot more when I was younger. I'm in my late twenties now and realizing more and more that people are actually generally fucking idiots and I'm doing just fine.

  18. I usually assume I'm either the most galaxy brained human to have ever lived or a complete dumbass, it really depends on the day and on what I'm doing

  19. My favourite "would you rather... Have a perpetually runny nose that never stops, or a hard spikey bogey that you can never quite reach"

  20. Look up words that people use because we don't know the meaning even though we pretend to when they are talking.

  21. Like, I know I’m using the word in the right context, but if someone was to ask me what it means, I could not tell them

  22. Making up conversations in my head before something important. Like I will say this and then the response from other person might be this.. sometimes it can go for 10-15 min before I snap back to reality.

  23. The dark ones are a healthy sign though. I ruminate on a certain one I had because it scared me and my therapist said "it's because it's so out of character, that even the thought hurts you more then you could ever hurt them".

  24. When I was in high school and a teacher was talking to me I had intrusive thoughts of spitting on them. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I realized later it was anxiety making up things to mess with me just for funsies.

  25. I'll never forget the exact moment when I realized that, objectively, nothing is stopping us from doing LITERALLY whatever we want at any time. I was in 3rd grade, sitting in a circle in gym class in the middle of the big ass gym, and I thought to myself "ya know, I could technically take off all my clothes and start running around the gym naked rn- there's nothing ACTUALLY stopping me from doing that". Did i do it? No lol. But I def had a huge problem with impulse control as a kid (and later on in life too, let's be real here) and a decent amount of the time from ages like 5-12 when I'd get a thought like "dump this can of paint on this kids head" I would actually fuckin do it 🤦🏻‍♀️

  26. I occasionally turn off my Wi-Fi and data, read the message, close the app and then turn data/Wi-Fi back on. It seems to work.

  27. I really wish I didn't have to do this. We all live busy lives. Unless its an emergency that message can generally wait. It's not a slight against them, I'm leaving it unread because I want to get back to them and don't want to lose the message, but life doesn't stop because they decided to text

  28. I generally try really hard not to lie, but there will be times when I subtly change a number just to make a story sound better. It's a weird compulsion that i can't seem to change although it only happens probably t̶w̶i̶c̶e̶ three-times a year.

  29. I know a few people who can't tell a story without the reflex of making it just a bit spicier than it really was

  30. Complain about others speeding and saying they are going too fast for no reason but giving ourselves a pass because what we are late for is really important

  31. Recently I had to insist that my wife knocks loudly and waits before opening my son’s bedroom door. I really had to explain why FFS! I know he’s constantly jacking off, but he would be mortified if anyone knew, especially his parents.

  32. me and my brother shared a room in high school, and so we could only ever do it in the shower or on the toilet. my dad caught on but my mom never really did, and would get incredibly mad when we would spend 30 minutes 'going to the bathroom'. after countless events of her knocking on the door and yelling "whats taking you so long? come on out!" every five minutes, by brother eventually got fed up and yelled back "SHUT UP MOM IM MASTURBATING". she didnt do it anymore after that

  33. I was hanging out late at my brother's house when his sons were 13 and 15 but also shared a bedroom. The kids had all showered, gone to bed, then the bedroom door opens and the 15yo heads into the bathroom. My brother says, "I just don't get that boy. Seems like every night he takes a shower, goes to bed,, then gets up and takes a 20 minute shit.

  34. My wife likes to burst into our daughter's room. I told her maybe she should stop that and she said "oh my God, did you walk in on her?" And I had to tell her no, but she's 16 so she should have personal space. She doesn't understand

  35. My mum never seemed to take the hint on this one, even after I put a sign on my door requesting the loud knock and wait. Only thing it changed was going from barging in without warning to a single knock then letting herself in a split second later. So many times I had to very hastily cover myself and awkwardly hold a conversation pretending everything is normal...

  36. Also just seems like common courtesy? Don’t understand parents who think privacy doesn’t apply to their children, especially as the kids get older.

  37. This should be one of the top replies. We all are constantly in judgement of everything everyone else does, says, wears, looks like, everything. I've learned to talk myself out of it with mantras like "not my life" or "if they're happy, that's all that matters" but it doesn't stop the thoughts,

  38. I read somewhere once that when it comes to judgment, the first thought is what society has conditioned you to think but the second thought defines who you are. So (for example) I occasionally will have the first intrusive thought like “why are they wearing that” and my second is usually “you know what, I bet they feel really nice about themselves today and good for them!” We all have that initial quick first judgment but it’s important to take a beat and listen to that second voice.

  39. Reading comments/texts multiple times after sending/posting them. Just to let the fact that you’re a modern day Shakespeare settle in

  40. Interesting how most of the comments are only engaging with the "something" part and pretty much no-one wants to touch the "fantasizing about someone you shouldn't" part with a ten foot pole.

  41. ill be in the car and just be thinking “you know how easy it would be someone to absolutely smash into my car full speed and kill me in a flash?”

  42. How about being judgmental to murderers on shows like forensic Files? "Idiot, you drove your own car to a murder you've been planning for months, I would've gotten away with it"

  43. Especially when it would be at a suspiciously late hour (I'm a night owl). At least email has a "delay send" option.

  44. I will find myself having flash backs to stupid shit from primary school like 2 decades ago and reliving that.. like, 'bro - you're probably the only person who even remembers, let it go.'

  45. I hate it when I'm thinking about something really embarrassing and I have to like shout the thought out of my head. Like I'll think of some awful, embarrassing moment and I'll end up just going "agh! Fuck!" out of the blue. Once or twice someone has caught me doing this and it's impossible to explain.

  46. Until you start having no panic, then you stop cleaning, it follows that you stop apologizing for the mess... And finally you stop having visits.

  47. Or, for unexpected guests, hide behind the front door noiselessly, watching out the peephole until they've left. Because I'm an introvert, or a coward, or both🙃

  48. Kids hide their profanity from Adults, and Adults hide their profanity from Kids. Because both sides must maintain the illusion that the other side doesn't know that they know profanity.

  49. I still remember vividly the first time I heard my 13 year old boy loudly exclaim "FUCK" through an open window.

  50. Psych professor in college, "It is alright to talk to yourself, and... It is alright to answer yourself! As long as you know that it is you answering. If this comes into question, seek professional help!"

  51. Speak for yourself, when I say "Nothing" to the "what are you thinking about" question, 9 out of 10 times all I hear is static and/or the old dial up tone.

  52. Lol me and my husband say and do some weird shit to one another when we’re having sex, we sometimes laugh about how we are afterwards

  53. I remember being in 11th grade in 2008 and going to the bathroom during class just to wash my hands in hot water (I live in northern Minnesota and have poor circulation, I did this a lot) and one of my teachers came out of the stall, washed her hands and said to herself in the mirror, or maybe me, “oh man I broke a nail. How am I supposed to pick my nose now?”

  54. Obviously don't do it around people, but nothing beats the feeling of breathing in 4K Ultra HD after removal of a chunker

  55. Sometimes I pick my nose in front of my wife without thinking about it. She’s never said anything about it. That’s how you know she loves me.

  56. People should just accept that it’s normal, like there’s no amount of blowing my nose that will get that booger stuck in there that is irritating me out

  57. "Owning a black cat means you'll sometimes discover you've had a 15 minute conversation with a crumpled up tshirt on the floor" -Someone on twitter

  58. Every morning I ask my dog how she slept and when I get home from work I ask how her day was. Sometimes she “talks” a lot when I get home lol I just tell her that it sounds like a lot went on while I was at work lol

  59. it’s actually pretty important to at least glance at it, you might notice parasites, blood, pale poop, etc. you can spot unhealthy feces just from looking at it and trust me if you have something wrong with your poop it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

  60. That immense satisfaction that comes when your finger nail catches just the edge a somewhat hard/crusted booger, thereby allowing you to extract a long fat gelatinous snot wad. A feeling so satisfying you want to tell people about it and then you remember…oh…wait.

  61. And knowing the teachers were fully aware and could have prevented the problems, but instead decided to turn a blind eye to the problem, and punish you if you retaliated. Most teachers think that they have to let you work out problems on your own, but when a bully is being too mean and not just a little bit, teachers should step up and put them in their place. Some of the teachers think that you are bullied because you deserve it, and don't do anything to help.

  62. as someone who constantly did that for years, i noticed lately it doesnt work anymore, like im convinced that google switched off the ability to use phone numbers as search queries

  63. Having a proper crotch scratch and then a discrete sniff to see if there's anything we should be worried about.

  64. Or when you’re in a room with like one other person and it definitely smells like a fart and you know it wasn’t you but you both just pretend like your noses don’t work

  65. When you make plans with someone and then regret it, so you cancel the plans with a lie about why you can't make it instead of saying you just don't feel like going.

  66. Nah I have all my songs on one playlist called “the library” and it goes from dad rock to classical to Disney to soft indie pop to trap real fucking quick. For the first time in forever came on the shuffle while I was playing music at the 4th of July and I just said fuck it let it play.

  67. Didn't realize spotify had an incognito mode until a friend told me recently. Still don't want to use it. I like what I like, if someone has an issue with it, they should check themselves.

  68. Making quick judgements about people. Your instincts are honed from 1 billion years of evolution. To say you don't judge others is revealing a true hypocrisy.

  69. Especially when people tell you they are trying to get pregnant. Especially when it's difficult for them to become pregnant. Especially when they say they have been trying for MONTHS.

  70. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, but I’m sure now that I’ve seen your comment, this will be my new intrusive thought whenever I see couples out and about. I’ll also be paranoid that people are wondering that about me and my wife too.

  71. Use q-tips to clean ears. We all know it's bad and you're just hurting yourself in the longterm... but damn does it feel great to scratch those itchy, dirty ear canals.

  72. day dreaming about kissing/cuddling with someone. No one admits to it cause it sounds weird as hell, but we've all done it and likely most of us still do it.

  73. Funny, I always suspect that someone would be horrified to learn that I masturbate about them, even though I'm normal (relatively). Personally, I'd be pretty damned flattered if I found out someone was sparking one off to me!

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