1. OP, you should really sit with why your husbands little brother makes you uncomfortable and what that says about you. Have you read anything about autism or put any effort into trying to get to know him? This is the family you married into, and it is heartbreaking how cold you are being because he is autistic. For your family’s sake, work through this discomfort and grow as a person.

  2. My brother is severely disabled and a wheelchair user due to a tbi. If my husband ever treated him the way OP is treating her husband/brother in law, he'd have divorce papers the next day.

  3. I agree that OP is the asshole, but I also think that calling this ableism is taking away an experience for a lot of people. The way OP describes this is questionable for sure, but being a caretaker for a young person with autism, especially if they aren't very "high-functioning" can be very overwhelming. I 100% think OP should be trying harder and including him, but it can be a difficult task to assist in their caregiveing, and a plan should be put in place so no one has anxiety or is overwhelmed, and everyone enjoys themselves.

  4. As an autistic person I have to disagree. She is aloud to not want to be around people who make her feel uncomfortable. And if OP is having anxiety around someone, do you possibly think that there’s a reason for it? Autism can come with co-morbidities and that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone with anxiety. Not to mention that OP will be one of the people responsible for the brother and that’s not fair to put on her as well.

  5. This is downright chilling. OP's brother is not trying to "spring whoever he wants on her." This "whoever" is a literal child, and probably an unusually vulnerable one, who has just lost his parents. Not just any child--OP's brother! OP ought to be upset with her husband if he DIDN'T feel the need to help his brother in his time of need.

  6. The ableism in this thread in assuming the kid is violent or needs a caretaker. There is no indication of any of that in the post and several indications he is not any of those things. It sounds like he’s just awkward.

  7. We don’t know any context about why he makes her uncomfortable. Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he’s special.

  8. To add to this, difficult in-laws is one thing. But to be so insensitive as to "not feeling comfortable" around a family member because of a disorder that they can't help or control speaks to a significant level of ignorance and lack of compassion.

  9. this is a perfect example of people couching their ableism in newage mental health language to divert blame. being around autistic people doesnt "give you anxiety" because you "struggle to interact with them", it makes you uncomfortable because you're not capable of seeing them as peers or equals. to me, blaming it on some uwu anxiety is honestly worse than just stating your feelings honestly

  10. Not enough details to agree or disagree with her being ableist. First of all, we have no details on how severe the autism is. There's no way around it, if autism is severe it can absolutely make people uncomfortable if they don't know how to handle it. I have a family member with severe autism. He gets aggressive and sometimes even violent. Even his "happy" moods can be aggressive. I wouldn't blame my SO for being uncomfortable with bringing him on a vacation with us.

  11. OP is TA but lets be real. Its depends strongly on the type of behavioral expression of autism as to whether or not OP should feel uncomfortable around this person.

  12. For real. The victim energy is strong in OP. Almost as if they thought she’d get a pass by claiming husband is being financially controlling. It’s clear OP is the manipulative party here.

  13. YTA I have a sister with a disabled son. My husband has a disabled brother. We would never have married unless I was willing to take care of his brother and he was was willing to care for my nephew.

  14. Yeah… like there are varying degrees of symptoms, so as an autistic person I recognize that it can be a lot to handle, but OP seems so heartless. She doesn’t say basically anything about what specifically causes her discomfort regarding his autism, she basically just says his autism makes it hard to interact (I’m assuming this means have conversations and bond) with him and that he gives her anxiety (again, doesn’t say why she gets anxious around him). To me, that says that she just doesn’t care to make an effort and wants him to act more neurotypical (news flash though, acting more neurotypical doesn’t mean people will get along).

  15. Op may want to avoid procreating with her husband. There’s evidence that supports that Autism, ADHD, and Bipolar disorder being hereditary.

  16. Right? Reddit is not the place to come on and complain about autism. Literally like half the people here are on the spectrum. The other half pretend they aren’t :-)

  17. Also, her HUSBAND just lost his 2nd parent 4 months ago. He’s trying to spend time with his only remaining immediate family member from his childhood. Where is OPs empathy for her husband?! It’s not that the BIL “deserves” a vacation or whatever, it’s that OP’s husband asked that his wife do a nice thing in his grief and to try to alleviate the grief of his little brother in a small way.

  18. I grew up with an autistic parent and an autistic sibling. I know many other autistic people as well.

  19. And the mostt glaring thing is that feom what she says he is not violent at all or depedant. Her anxiety around him is definitely a her problem.

  20. As the mother of an adult son with Asperger's, I can unfortunately attest to the fact that such anxiety is far more common than you'd think. Way too many people are really uncomfortable and anxious around those on the spectrum and it's truly disheartening. What's especially sad is that those with ASD DO experience emotions and are affected by them, so that the BIL's being orphaned is really hard for him. They just don't often know how to cope with the emotions.

  21. It doesn’t. She was hoping that saying that would give her some out in that there would be competing disorders as opposed to the reality which is just that she’s not a nice person.

  22. She’s making it sound like he’s non-verbal and need round the clock care. Which, if that was the case, I could understand that being a lot of work. Seeing as it wasn’t stated though, I would imagine that he’s higher functioning than that and is capable of going on a trip and caring for his own basic needs.

  23. With one possible exception. Need to ASK the brother if he wants to come, which I don't know has happened yet. He might not want a break in his new routine at the moment. I often found vacations pretty stressful, because my sister would plan the hell out of them, when I just wanted to read in my hotel.

  24. that depends on what type of autism his brother has. some are very violent/physical and need trained people to be dealt with.

  25. YTA, how people treat the disabled says alot about their character. My bro in law is autistic as well and I would never exclude him because he is different and can have small episodes at times. I'm not surprised your husband is mad, you sound like a spoiled child.

  26. OP also married someone who has an autistic sibling. What does she think is going to happen for the rest of their lives?

  27. FFS if my spouse and his brother lost their parent(s) I'd be open arms! My gosh I'd feel terrible. This post made me sick to my stomach. I lost my 30 year old brother a couple years ago. Everyone was so nice and welcoming/inviting/etc.

  28. YTA I don’t think your husband is trying to sub you into the idea because he’s paying, he’s obviously angry because he’s trying to do something nice for his brother who he loves, because they’ve been through a tough time. Why can’t they go together without you? That’s what I’d do.

  29. Me too. I'd leave her and her friend at home and have a fantastic vacation with my brother and find a divorce attorney when I got home. I wonder about him though, why would he marry someone who wasn't comfortable with his brother and so obviously has a stick up her rear?

  30. I really hope this is what the husband ends up doing lol. Taking the brother and his aunt on vacation to take their place instead

  31. This is really important. I know lots of autistic people, and some of them just crossed personal borders a bit too often, so i don't hang out with them anymore. But if it's just the idea that he has autism, then yea huge YTA

  32. Thank you for asking this! My first thought was ESH, because yes, OP's account of events seems ableist, but we don't know what the BIL's behavior may be like from the vague description. Maybe he's overly physical or aggressive toward OP (it happens), and honestly, a vacation might massively disrupt his routine after the death of his parent, and that may only upset him further.

  33. Exactly! If he makes her anxious because he's violent then I get it. If he makes her anxious because he is constantly talking about a special interest or just missing social cues, then she needs to get over or get divorced.

  34. I get this. I had an teenage autistic neighbor who lived with his grandparents and he always wanted to grab things that he thought was attractive. So if I ever ran into him, he would chase me down hallways and try to grab my boobs and other parts of my body, but his caretakers would never stop him from touching me or tell him no.

  35. It’s a very broad spectrum and a lot of high functioning people here are taking it personally (or people who haven’t seen some very destructive behaviours of concern). I work in disability, I wouldn’t be relaxed on vacation with my clients. It’s not what OP agreed to. NAH

  36. This is what I wanna know, the spectrum is so wide. Is he a quiet awkward kid? Maybe talks your ear off or never let’s you get a word in? Or like stares into soul? Or is it public meltdowns with scream and crying and hitting? Saying whatever is on his mind including highly inappropriate content?

  37. I don’t think his comment was shitty ..he just matched her shittyness! ESPECIALLY if he’s paying for her friend too…

  38. I feel like I'm seeing a lot of this. I don't think she's looking to exclude him because of his autism specifically, but because of the way he acts makes her uncomfortable. I'm an autistic female, I work with an autistic coworker who is male. I can't stand him. He makes me super uncomfortable. I'm sure his behavior is influenced by his autism but that doesn't change the fact that I don't like the way he interacts with me, some of the stuff he does is inappropriate, such as when he hugged me without my permission after knowing me for 2 days. I know he's autistic but this does not make me any more comfortable around him. OP isn't a bad person for not being comfortable around him

  39. NTA. My adult BIL is severely autistic and any trip outside of his normal routine would trigger over stimulation. It would be unpleasant for everyone including him to be there. We don't know the extent of your BIL's autism, but your feelings should be considered. If care of your BIL was not something you signed up for, or are willing to help with, you need to be clear with your husband. This may be a deal breaker for you both.

  40. Yea, we definitely need to know more about OPs BIL’ autism because it could entirely change how the trip goes. Even the fact that he’s 17 is going to change the dynamic- they might not be able to get into bars, restaurants, events ect. They wanted to go to. And not to mention he might have different needs that will impact their day to day activities.

  41. I think her husband would know where on the spectrum his brother is and whether the trip would be a good idea for him..

  42. we don’t even have context on the vacation. if the plan is to drink and relax, kinda hard when you need to be responsible for someone underaged…sounds like a separate vacation with him in mind is a reasonable compromise

  43. I agree nta. I am autistic and I don't see anything wrong with her opinion here. Honestly don't see why people are so vicious

  44. Completely agree. My sister has ASD and an intellectual disability. Going with her for a vacation would be an anti vacation for everyone involved.

  45. The thing is, she didn’t say he was severely autistic. She said she basically can’t connect with his and him being autistic, alone, makes her uncomfortable. Consoling his brother who just lost his parents is more important that her feeling comfortable.

  46. Right! And she could use that time to perhaps try to understand him better and bond with him. It’s her brother in law! He’s an orphan! She’s so shallow.

  47. INFO: is your husbands brother violent in any way? Or is it his stimming and lack of filters that gets to you? I’m autistic as is my son. I get why it can be hard to be around us but the kid has just had his entire life ripped apart. All his routines will be gone and he will be suffering because of it. His safe person is also gone.

  48. Agree that being uncomfortable around an autistic person is a reasonable feeling, especially if OP has never spent quality time with the brother and simply doesn’t know him well. The “his behavior” part toward the end definitely reads ableist or at the best, ignorant though. But I also think it’s odd for the husband to want to bring his brother on what seems like was originally a couples trip. Because now it will be a family trip/meant for consoling the brother. I don’t see how offering OP to bring a friend neutralizes that or evens it out. And yeah just because he paid doesn’t mean it’s still fair to everyone involved. ESH because it’s a terrible situation (notably for the brother) and no one’s really making good decisions or arguments. I think the trip should just be cancelled or postponed.

  49. Given that autism is genetic, there is a decent chance that they could have autistic children. What is the plan if one of the kids is diagnosed with autism? Avoid them? Learn to more about autism and talk to a therapist to about your issues or find a different husband. Those are the options.

  50. No judgement but you guys might need some counseling on this one. First of all, depending on where on the spectrum Ryan is I get how it might be a lot but on a trip he wouldn’t be your responsibility but your husband’s. Second of all, Ryan still deserves a chance for a pick me up. I’d try to see where your husband is coming from and let your husband know your specific concerns so he can talk you through how he’d approach situations. Now. All that said. If you legit just don’t like him specifically for a diagnosis not for specific things from that diagnosis then we’ve got an AH problem and I’ll take back all I just said.

  51. You make some good points, I think! As other people have said, having a minor does change the dynamic of the vacation, especially if OP was looking forward to a sort of carefree let's get drunk and not worry sort of thing.

  52. NTA. This is your vacation as well, don't care who the heck is paying for it. That was mean of your husband to bring up who is paying.

  53. There is an enormous range of behavior that can fall under the autism umbrella. Please give us more INFO about how / why you feel uncomfortable around Ryan.

  54. This is what I was thinking. OP might just be an ableist jerk, but there’s also the possibility that Ryan’s behaviors/needs related to his autism are genuinely overwhelming or stressful for someone who hasn’t known him his whole life and gotten used to it from a young age. And depending on the type and extent of accommodations he’ll need to be able to enjoy the vacation, bringing him along could drastically change the entire trip. Or maybe he needs minimal to no special accommodations- we don’t know.

  55. I'm surprised how far I had to scroll to find this. While the original post stinks of ableism, it's hard to make a judgement with such little information provided.

  56. Yeah, there really isn’t enough info to make a judgement here. If he’s largely a self sufficient 17 yo with social awkwardness then OP is the AH. If he’s not at all self sufficient and prone to violent outbursts when his schedule is thrown off then not so much the AH.

  57. I hear your anger but I wouldn’t want to care for a grieving neurodivergent minor on my vacation either. I’m also ND and honestly he would have lost me at ‘minor’ alone, that changes the whole trip vibe.

  58. I agree with everything except that we don't know the husband is paying for the friend to come. Maybe they're coming along but paying for their part.

  59. Oh my god -- really?! They plan a trip as adults, and she gets flamed for not wanting a special needs minor along for the ride? Not jumping on that train, sorry. It doesn't sound like she's trying to exclude him from everything they do, just this trip. Why do we think people are required to be around others they'd rather not be around? Who made this rule? (There isn't one, FYI.) If it was another family member that made her anxious for one reason or another, would you still pull out the pitchforks and torches? Or is it just because he's a special needs orphan?

  60. EXACTLY! people are completely disregarding OP's autonomy. also, particularly in this situation where OP is a woman and the orphan in question is a boy, it's completely not out of the question to wonder if OP has ever felt violated by him. also it REALLY doesn't sound like OP's husband is his brother's caregiver or anything close, and probably doesn't know his routine or other important things to know about someone who has autism. this is a recipe for disaster

  61. YTA. The kid is 17 and just became an orphan. Have some empathy. The least you can do now is to offer that your husband and brother go on a vacation together.

  62. NAH. Everyone trading out the "ableist" card needs to chill out. OP obviously knows the brother and what he is like. She isn't refusing to spend time with him, nor is she being cruel to him. She simply wants to have a relaxing, stress-free vacation that might not be possible because of the brother's behaviour. It sounds like her husband is now mandating that the brother be a part of everything they do in their lives moving forward, and she's allowed to not be comfortable with that.

  63. NTA. I respect you admitted you get anxiety around Ryan. I think this is normal, many people feel the same while denying it.

  64. Nta, you'd have to take a part in taking care of him the whole time. I don't think that's a fair thing to try to force on someone who is having to use their PTO and would rather not. If anyone decided to bring a random kid with them on a vacation, I'd peace out of it immediately. Your comments of being uncomfortable around him does come off as ableist, and this is his brother so you'll have to get use to him anyhow. Having to be forced to vacation with him is different than having him over for the weekend though.

  65. NTA I have worked with kids with various disabilities throughout my life. I love the kids but it can be exhausting. I no longer do it because as much as I loved it, I needed a break..

  66. ESH it's not ok for you to exclude Ryan just because he is autistic. Sounds like you've never even tried to spend time with him and get past your 'discomfort' with autistic people. You're an AH for that. Husband is an AH for using the the 'i paid' card when you disagreed. That's not a healthy way to navigate the situation and instead puts him in a more authority/controlling position which isn't fair. There's definitely a compromise here but seems like you're not willing to consider it. Go on the vacation with husband, friend, and Ryan. Have husband be responsible for Ryan if he is 'misbehaving' in some way. Make it clear that you won't be responsible for him and enjoy your time. And, if you're that nervous about it then go on a trial run. Have you and your husband take Ryan out somewhere for a day and spend some time with the kid. If it's a total disaster you would be justified in not wanting him to tag along on the vacation. If all goes well, you might realize your fears were pointless.

  67. I’m pretty sure husband probably used the “last parent died JUST 4 months ago and want to spend time with him” card and then had to sink as low OP to get through to her a little bit because of her cold heart . “I PAID” is probably the only part of the conversation she truly understood

  68. NAH, I think it is kind of your husband to consider him. There is missing informatioin like how much Ryan's condition will impact your vacation. It sounds like you are bringing a friend as well? So this is not a couples getaway and could be a chance to bring him. If it is your husband that would be looking after the care of his brother, is this still such a big deal? I think you should make way to include him in some vacation, maybe not this one, but one designed to give him something to look forward to. No one likes their vacation perameters changed, especially with out a PRIVATE conversation where you come to a mutal decision without others chiming in. (but you asked)

  69. "DH, I know Ryan's in our life now. However, I have been looking forward to this vacation to relax and spend time with you. Springing this on me isn't fair. And You may think Ryan would cheer up going on vacation with us...but will he? Or will being to a new place give him stress? or will you end up staying in the hotel with him while I and friend am out and about because all these novel experiences are too much? Or he doesn't like (doing vacation activity) that we do?

  70. Yeah, that was the part that got me too. A coupes vacation I get but one half of a couple bringing a friend is odd to me.

  71. With the attitude that BIL causes anxiety and OP can't handle it, I wonder how good this vacation will be if BIL goes along. It will be strained and tough at the least. Given that, is it best to take BIL? BIL is grieving and also has special needs that will have to be addressed on the vacation. If OP doesn't want that, it is likely OP could be miserable and could make everyone else miserable as well.

  72. NTA- I don’t think most people want to take someone else’s child on a vacation, you have to care of children and you’re going on vacation to relax. Having him over more often and hanging out on weekends would make more sense. Him having autism is relevant because he needs routine and more precautions.

  73. INFO What about his autism makes you uncomfortable? You didn't say what the issues are just blanket "autism". Why can your friend come but not his brother?

  74. It's very easy to attack OP when we don't really know the brother's situation other than he has autism. That covers a wide spectrum of abilities and challenges. OP does not have the experience or training to be a caregiver here. We don't have enough info to judge.

  75. I'm gonna get downvoted to hell but slight NTA. I've lived with my brother with autism for my entire life. I don't know about your husbands brother, and i know autism shows up diffrent in diffrent people, but i ALWAYS have to walk on eggshells when my brother is around. Everything has to be catered to his wishes (and no, im not talking about keeping an eye on autism related stuff, such as structure and stuff). Also vacations can be extra stressfull situation, wich might make it harder for him.

  76. NTA. Not everyone is comfortable around people that have mental disabilities. My grandson lives with me and is high functioning autistic. What's his normal behavior to me can be overwhelming to others. Add anxiety into that and it's that much harder. The couple should plan some day trips with the brother so OP can get more comfortable and see how the kid is during longer stretches. This wasn't planned as a family vacation with OP bailing at the last minute. Her husband just sprung it on her. Also, did her husband really have to throw OP under the bus with his aunt? Everyone on Reddit seems to feel the need to evolve their entire family into their relationship conflicts. I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but it's just that, an opinion.

  77. it probably has something to do with the fact that he's a minor and therefore she assumes some responsibility for him not getting hurt, and she doesn't know him or his routine very well, or that he's grieving his parents.

  78. NTA, it’s a vacation, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, autism or not, will ruin the vacation. Kinda crazy how everyone is jumping on you about his autism, but dismissing your anxiety. Low on your husband to bad mouth you to others in his family. I’d take a friend and hang with them while your husband hangs with his bro.

  79. Not everyone is equipped to handle someone with Autism….OP hasn’t included anything about how severe the brother’s autism is. Maybe he’s non-verbal and prone to tantrums…we can’t make assumptions.

  80. YTA ~ Put yourself in Ryan’s shoes, he just lost his remaining parent, how would you feel if that happened to you?

  81. Not enough info: Autism is very wide on the levels of independence a person has. You don’t indicate if he is high functioning, or if there’s certain behaviors that concern you for his safety in an unfamiliar environment. WHY are you uncomfortable with your brother in law? Without knowing the exact reason(s), can’t really say.

  82. I’m going to go against the general consensus and say NTA. It’s not unreasonable to not want others joining you on your vacation with your husband. However, I think here may be some issues here you need to work on otherwise.

  83. NTA. It's your vacation too, and him bringing up who's paying for it foretells your future with husband I'm afraid. Plus who is expected to care for BIL while you're on vacation? You? How far on the autism spectrum is he? Does he need care constantly? I have a feeling that will fall to you.

  84. Info: How "on the spectrum" is the brother? I feel like there's no real way to judge unless we know what you're going to be dealing with. Like, is he capable of being left to his own devices while the adults hit the bar, or is he 24/7 care where the trip will end up being for him entirely because of his needs?

  85. being around autistic ppl can smth be hard. coming from someone who has an autistic high functioning brother it’s not easy

  86. Yeah going on vacation with another adult is entirely different from bringing a child on a vacation, but no one else seems to care about that.

  87. Nta for not wanting to be forced to interact with someone's neuro divergence. Without knowing more about the ins and outs this is the only correct answer.

  88. NTA It's nice that your husband wants include his brother in things but his loyalty belongs to you. He needs to discuss with you before making plans.

  89. I think you have the right to say "not now," but I do think that since it is his brother you should make an effort to get to know him better and both feel comfortable. He will need a lot of support. Losing a parent when you are a teen must be very difficult.

  90. NTA I have no clue why people are dogpiling on OP. Y’all don’t know how severe his autism is, how many times she’s interacted, how the interactions have gone. She’s allowed to have her feelings about the situation.

  91. YTA. I’m Autistic and if anyone from my husband’s family or mine treated me like this, I’m pretty sure we would no longer be family. He’s 17, he just lost his only living parent, and you don’t want him to go on vacation with you because you don’t understand him, and you obviously don’t care to even try.

  92. INFO: What are your specific concerns about Ryan's autism and behavior, and in what ways would his presence affect your current planned activities on your vacation, whether due to his autism or due to his age?

  93. NTA half the people on this sub don't know what it's like having and handling a autistic child. It turns a vacation into a full time job at the drop of a hat. It sounds cruel but if your not comfortable with him the vacation will be a nightmare. It's really not unreasonable. Those who say it is haven't fully thought it through. For heavens sake OP could be talking about Chris Chan.

  94. This is tough but I’m kinda leaning that Yta. From your post it sounds like you want to exclude him bc he’s autistic. If you don’t want to deal with him than let your husband deal with him

  95. YTA and so is your friend. Yeah if he's paying and allowing your friend to come he can rightly have his BROTHER come. Autism shouldn't even fucking come into it. If you can't handle the brother then you shouldn't have married him. I have a autistic brother myself also a autistic son. Any partner of mine would have to accept both of them and if they "can't handle" them then out the fcking door. If you have a disabled family member you don't just go "oh he gives me anxiety can't handle him" you fcking research and look up how to handle it. His brother can't change being disabled you can change your attitude to it but refuse to coz it inconveniences you. If I was your husband I'd b cancelling you from this trip taking the brother and handing you divorce papers.

  96. Anxiety is not a magic word or "pass" that lets you have whatever you want all the time. YTA and you need to consider why you are so uncomfortable with your husband taking care of his orphaned, disabled brother. Frankly, you will always be less important to your husband than his brother.

  97. Yta. One of the biggest. His brother isnt "springing whomever he wants", its his freaking brother. His little brother, who just happened to lose his last remaining parent. His brother who has autism & makes this entire situation even harder. But you say you dont want him to come because you've never been on vacay with him so you don't know how he would behave. How are you ever going to know if you never try? You are punishing this poor boy because you dont know how to interact w him but then refuse to try. Its his brother, grow up

  98. YTA. You don’t want to “deal” with him and that is cruel. He’s always going to be in your life he’s always going to be your husbands brother. You need to have respect and compassion.

  99. YTA, did you just meet your husband and his autistic brother last week. Was the brother not at the wedding, thanksgiving dinners. You really need to buck up, the brother might live with you one day. Better yet why not move in with your friend you both seem like YTA type people.

  100. YTA. Your husband’s brother has autism. You don’t understand this and aren’t trying to. This is ableism. Not cool and if I was your husband I’d be massively disappointed in you for this regardless of circumstances Then add that your husband and his brother have just lost their last parent, they’re grieving. Is your position of ableism so strong that you want to die on that hill now? Oof What better opportunity than now to say to your husband, tell me more about your brother and how we can have a great holiday together understanding this difficult time for you both. But yeah YTA

  101. NTA. You’ve stated you don’t feel comfortable around the brother, and you husband is insistent on taking him on vacation? That’s not fair to you or his brother. Maybe suggest to him that the two brothers should take their own vacation later on.

  102. If it was a couple's vacation, I'd understand but you sound really horrible. Educate yourself on autism and figure out a way to communicate with your brother in law just like his entire family did. You may have married your husband but you accepted his family too. You really need to sit in front of a mirror and reflect on yourself. Maybe you shouldn't go on this holiday.

  103. YTA - not only are you being an abelist AH, you are completely lacking in any empathy that the kid IS an orphan now. His parents are both dead (and it's not even n event from long ago), and his older brother is now as close to a father as he has. You are the equivalent to the "evil stepmother" in this situation. I'd be surprised if your husband doesn't end up divorcing you some day for this specific AH mindset of yours.

  104. gonna have to say yes OP. i understand how you feel, but it sounds like because he makes you nervous, you make little to no effort to spend time with him and learn him. it’s not HIS fault he makes you nervous.

  105. YTA His autism makes you uncomfortable? First off, why would it make you feel uncomfortable, do you think of him as less than you? Secondly, Grow up, deal with it. Guess what? He’s going through worse things than you, and not everything needs to be about you. Just because you haven’t been on vacation with him before doesn’t mean you never can. By that logic, you will never go on vacation with anyone you haven’t been one with on before. Your friend is ableist, same with you. You told him to drop it? You give off control freak vibes. If you can bring your friend, he can bring his brother who needs this way more. You don’t know how he would behave? Probably happy? Does he have high functioning autism? How bad is it? You’re really not doing good things here. Get over yourself, stop being needy and a spoiled brat, and grow up.

  106. NTA. The vacation was already planned. There should have been a second vacation planned for his brother to come on instead of a last minute addition. You’ve made yourself clear, & it’s okay. I have a chronic illness (which makes me disabled. Invisible illness makes that title feel invalid because I LOOK fit and healthy but I’m really sick.) that makes me experience tachycardia often, feel faint, & need sleep a lot. Not everyone would be happy or willing to come on a mountain climbing trip with me, and that’s okay 😅 travel can be a major trigger for autism. It’s understandable to be wary. A Smaller trip should have been planned to help you two become acquainted. you shouldn’t have been put in this situation in the first place, it’s not ableist to want a relaxing vacation. It is what it is. Your husband and aunt are trying to bully you into a situation you aren’t comfortable with, & that’s concerning.

  107. NTA. Autism has a wild range of severity TBF, but I know an autistic individual that has unpredictable behaviors and he absolutely can get violent. He punched his brother's girlfriend because she wouldn't give him her snack, so... Personally that's the kind of thing I would never be comfortable around and I wouldn't deal with that on a vacation.

  108. INFO: You haven't mentioned how severe his autism is, if it includes dangerous behavior, or most importantly, what steps you have/haven't taken to get used to interacting with him.

  109. Does your husband know how to handle him? Because I mean you are going far away from his home and if something goes wrong it’s on you guys so I won’t blame you for not wanting to take him. But, if your husband does know how then yta for not wanting to take him.

  110. YTA - Your husband and his brother need to be with each other right now to support each other in their grief. The fact that his ASD annoys you makes YTA in general as well.

  111. dude. YTA. what is wrong with you that you would do that to what is supposed to be a family member. you are lucky that you husband hasn't left you at a baggage claim somewhere.

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