1. First things first, I would hire a house cleaner. That won’t solve your problems but it would lessen your load a little. I would have a hard time respecting my husband if he seemed so uninterested in being a parent. I understand he has a demanding job but that’s no excuse for how uninvolved he is being. This would be grounds for at minimum marriage counseling.

  2. This! Is he not interested in his children? My husband has a demanding job but still took time out on the worse days to take our son for a 10 minute walk and give him bottles, even on days when he'd only make it to bed by 3am. There is more wrong than just not "helping"

  3. I second the house cleaner! We hired one and they come every other week. It's such a luxury and we both feel much better afterwards! And I agree - OP's husband should want to participate with the baby. My LO is 4 months old and my husband (even though he has a demanding job) will care for the baby. They have a special bond and it's adorable!

  4. Also maybe a Mother’s helper or Nanny (part time) who can handle some of the chores/ errands. Ours took care of cleaning the bottles and pump parts as well as the baby’s laundry and occasionally a simple grocery run. This was a game changer for me.

  5. I 100% agree with the whole couples counselling point here. I go to couples counselling once every fortnight with my wife and it does us the world of good. Poor communication is often the reason for us not understanding where we are at with each other and it sounds like in your relationship that you can’t be effective communicators. Understanding where each other are is challenging especially because you have work and you have a new baby in the mix.

  6. I agree with this but first communicate your concerns and feelings. Then suggest you need external help if he is not going to volunteer. He should suck it up for ten mins at the minimum. This is why people think dad's are 'babysiters' and not parenting.

  7. My husband is a cardiology fellow - we have a 3 month old and a 3 year old who was born second year of residency. Your husband is being an ass. We have never found balance per se - considering work hours and breastfeeding, but he has always been available for me to take time for myself. He would take a soothing shift (I would go to bed early and he would handle rocking if baby woke up before a meal) and would wake up with the baby so I could sleep in. You are in the thick of it, but he needs to step it up - still your kid, dude, no matter how busy.

  8. I agree with all of this. I’m the wife of an ER doc. I also have a Ph.D. and own 2 companies. We have a 2 and 4.5 year old (girls).He works crazy shifts, and no it’s not 50/50, in the traditional sense. That’s impossible. I am vigilant about keeping track of his schedule, including when he needs to nap / sleep in. Aside from that, he’s ENGAGED when he’s home. Playing, feeding, bathing, diapers, Princess pretend games, fort building, night time, naps. All of it. We had our struggles in the beginning as we figured out a new balance as new parents, but we’ve really hit a stride. So much love & empathy to you.

  9. Case in point - I wrote this as I was nursing baby to sleep. I came down and husband was folding a basket of laundry after having finished washing the pump parts and bottles from day care.

  10. I wanted to write my own reply but you’ve said it already. I’m a doctor myself, a geriatrician not some high and mighty surgeon though, and I wouldn’t dare to behave like this. Of course sometimes I’ve got to drop the ball when I’m on call. But when I’m at home and my work is done we do all the baby stuff and chores together. Your husband is being a major ass and you need to raise a big stink over this. Point out that you don’t get the luxury of ignoring a baby because this tiny human actually depends on the both of you. Tell him you have a job as well. Oh and I’d leave him alone with the baby, even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

  11. Totally agree. I’m an MD/PhD student, husband is also a cards fellow. 3 kids, first born before my quals/beginning of his intern year, second a year before my defense/beginning of his final year of residency, third during M3/his first year of fellowship. No balance due to work hours, but equal engagement with kidcare and housework when we are actually home. OP’s husband needs to step up.

  12. Am sure it is not. But, I don’t care what an intense job an SO has...if they are not there for you practically, or emotionally, if they don’t take away your stress or work or emotional stress at all, but actually adds to it, and there is not relief or reprieve in sight, why would you stay with them?

  13. There is good reason that there are support groups specifically for spouses of surgeons. I’m sure it’s not as cut and dry as “dumping him”

  14. My husband isn't a surgeon but he had to work nights and weekends on top of his normal 7-4 shift recently and I was pretty vocal about it not being my jam haha. This is a tough one - I feel confused about whether your husband wants to have a baby. Is he not confident taking care of the baby or does he just not enjoy it? I don't know that you can force him to help if he doesn't want to and doesn't have sympathy for you being so overwhelmed. Maybe you can hire a nanny part time to give you some relief? I would also consider some marriage counseling to check in on how his actions are making you feel and clarify expectations you both have. There definitely seems to be some mismatched expectations and communication gaps.

  15. I’m on “leave.” I’m working from home so I still get paid and I’m required to take a course this semester for a fellowship which I can’t put off unfortunately.

  16. PhD students often don’t have any protected maternity leave, and in medicine 2 weeks is generous for paternity leave. Baby is already 6 weeks.

  17. My husband and I are both residents (pediatrics and family med) with insane hours and he always helped as much as he could. I don’t think I changed a single diaper for the first few months. The balance is never equal (thanks, breastfeeding) and we definitely have had our fights about who’s taking care of what, but he was always concerned about letting me shower/eat/sleep. There is no excuse for what your husband is doing. You will definitely need to address this now or it will breed an anger in you like you’ve never seen before. Don’t let that happen. It’s not fair to you.

  18. I am a surgeon and my husband is a firefighter. Our daughters are 2 years and 2 weeks old. My husband shows similar behaviour, when He thinks, that He can get away with it. My impression is, that it is a gender and peronalitything. Not so much about which Job anyone has. And really when i came home from a shit shift i was really happy to just cuddle and sniff my kid. It becomes tedious and demanding when you have all day with a child and can't even take a shit by yourself. But it does seem, that many a father, that i met, tries to get out of takibg care of their kids, especially the younger they are. As a fellow surgeon albeit in a different country, i doubt that He doesnt have it in him to show you the same regard, attention and consideration, that he has for his patients and colleagues. But truly it doesnt seem like an easy task to be with a physician.

  19. I don’t want to add redundant feedback as I think a lot of these comments do provide awesome suggestions and advice but I do want to say this: 🌟YOU ARE DOING A GREAR JOB!!!!!! 🌟

  20. Yeah, a demanding job doesn’t justify neglecting to parent the child you helped create. Regardless of what it is.

  21. Being a surgeon is really hard. (I'm also a doc.) But this doesn't sound typical. Is there any chance he is depressed and having trouble bonding with the baby?

  22. Refusing to act as a supportive partner is inexcusable regardless of career. I would recommend marriage counseling ASAP.

  23. We’re sending him to full time daycare starting in January. I’m a little reluctant to hire a babysitter in the meantime because covid is really rampant in our area but if it gets bad it might be worth it to have a few hours to myself.

  24. In addition to not holding up his commitment to you (which a lot of comments are addressing), he needs to realize that he’s not holding up his commitment to his kid. Yes, the early months/years are a lot of drudgery. But that caretaking is the basis of your kid’s life long trust and relationship with you. Even if you were totally ok with doing all the work, your kid still deserves a relationship with their father, and to have that father know how to take care of them! He needs to understand that his checking out now is making a choice that will have lifelong consequences— he’s not going to be able to step into the relationship he probably wants or imagines with an older kid without putting in the time now.

  25. You know what else is a demanding jobs? Being a full time mom. You know what else is? Getting a PhD. So I don't buy the "demanding job" excuse. It's a team effort. I am a strong believer that the marriage has to come first. And that means working together and each giving to help and support the other. Even when you're tired and don't feel like it. Because it isn't all about either one of you. It's about both of you together.

  26. I think there is a deeper problem than his demanding job. You made a post 144d ago during your pregnancy titled “Unsupportive, uninterested husband”...doesn’t sound like much has changed. Please consider couples counseling if you haven’t already. His behavior is not normal in a healthy relationship and you and the baby need as much support as possible. Hang in there, you got this mama.

  27. My husband and I both have demanding jobs. I have the steady business leadership job and my husband has a consulting business he’s building that during a certain time of the year means working seven days a week and 12-16 hr days.

  28. Not sure that my comment will add much to the discussion but I just want to sympathize... in my relationship I am the one with the demanding job (Peds resident)... not the same as a surgical resident but I do have my share of 80 hour weeks. But I do still spend time with my kids and try to make sure my husband is staying sane. Your husband needs to lady up and take his share of the home work load.

  29. The man doesn’t give a damn about his own wife and kid and yet is trusted to cut people open on a day to day basis?! Yikes. I know the surgeon stereotype exists for a reason but damn what a psychopath. I know this isn’t

  30. My husband works away for long periods of time (this stint is 5 months) and while he’s away he works ridiculous hours. When he gets home the instant he is off the plane he’s on parent mode. And he works locally when he’s back but only gone from 6:30-5pm. I work too and when my daughter was 7months old I went back to my demanding job as an academic and postgrad study while he was gone half the year (always at the worst time!). He might not be here physically but when he is he does more than me he never tries to get out of it.

  31. Couples counseling and maybe should be assessed for ppd? That doesn’t seem normal new dad behavior, even with a high-stress job. Or maybe he feels very uncomfortable handling a newborn? At that age, he could still keep a earbud in and take care of the baby or wear the baby while doing other stuff.

  32. My husband both has a demanding, important, well paid job and is a workaholic. So my job is second tier, and almost all childcare falls to me. It does affect my job performance, and I lost a lot of professional confidence because I could not be in two places at once, and do everything to the best of my ability in both places.

  33. I’m sorry what? He could see you didn’t eat and not even OFFER to hold the baby? That has nothing to do with his job. He’s being so beyond inconsiderate. My husband and I both have demanding jobs and neither of us would expect all of our own needs to be met and literally not even the BASIC needs of the other (eating/showering) to be met.

  34. My husband is a manager at Target, but acts like he’s solely running the store himself. He won’t bother woth anything. Laundry? No. Cleaning? Nope. Diapers? HAHAHA NO. I work from home at a call center doing benefits during annual enrollment, so we’re SLAMMED, with my 1 year old at home woth me. I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically but still won’t help because “I sit on my ass all day”, and taking care of two kids under three isn’t hard......

  35. Hey! My husband is a corporate lawyer. I'm pregnant and we have a 9 month old. Some days are really long for him, and he can't be there as much as I'd like. We need the money right now - I get it. BUT he is pretty damn good when he is home. He pulls his weight with the cleaning, household tasks, and grabs the baby unprompted. Because of covid he is working from home, and when I was in the first trimester he would take the baby and reschedule or have him on some low-stakes calls so I could rest.

  36. Finding balance in a relationship isn’t about how much someone works. It’s about how much downtime you get. So if your husband works 65 hours a week, and you work 35, it’s reasonable for you to work another 30 in childcare, chores, etc. Then any remaining work should be split evenly.

  37. Single mum (I'm divorcing an abusive bellend) and software engineer here. He always thought his job as a civil engineer took priority over mine and basically blocked me from pushing my career forward for years. My kids are 4.5 and 2.5 now so things won't get easier for a while.

  38. He’s making excuses - I’m a doctor (though not a surgeon so many might believe not as demanding) and I try to give my husband as much help as I can when I’m home

  39. I read your previous post about him not being interested during the pregnancy either, and about how you were long distance until recently. This does not seems like a strong healthy relationship. You guys need to get on the same page about all the things in your life. And he needs to stop being a dick. Maybe in therapy you can figure out what’s behind it. But either way it’s gotta stop.

  40. While you’re working on your relationship stuff, get a nanny. Even part-time. Get a nanny so you don’t burn out. You may be risking your physical and mental health trying to do it all. Moms never do this alone in the history of society - we all need help.

  41. I don’t know how much I would let his demanding job be a scapegoat for handing off childcare responsibilities... you’re far more understanding than I am. Suggest hiring a nanny because this is only going to get more difficult.

  42. This doesn’t solve the husband problem (for that maybe seek some professional help because if he doesn’t help he’s never going to bond with your child and he needs to realize that) but if he’s a surgeon surely you can afford a nanny or a cleaning person?! Your work, education and well-being is important too and you shouldn’t have to make yourself a martyr for either your husband or child. At this rate you’re going to burn out and your marriage will be full of resentment. Tell him if he’s not willing to help with chores then he needs to be willing to pay for hired help. Just tell him you need one thing off your plate; that’s not too much to demand.

  43. I deal with it by constantly reminding him that I’m not the “support” person in this marriage and his career isn’t more important than mine. I’m constantly advocating for myself in that way. Part of why he said he was attracted to me when we met is that I’m career-driven but now that we have kids I think that has caused a lot of conflict. Especially with the added Covid childcare challenges, dear lord.

  44. Also recommend counseling! My husband and I started it when our LO was 3 months old because I felt like he wasn’t doing a fair share of the childcare and house work! Counseling made such a big difference! We ended up doing about 6 1-hr sessions spread out over 2.5 months. Counseling literally saved our marriage

  45. He should be pulling his weight in parenthood. Not fair at all. I’m a doctor (not a surgeon) and always have work to do. Although as mom, I do a good amount of taking care of baby, my husband helps out a great deal. I hope y’all are able to sit down and have a good discussion otherwise this will turn into resentment.

  46. I think this is two issues. One is overload. Neither of you has capacity to do everything that needs to be done. If you have the means in anyway at all, pay someone to help. A good nanny is worth her weight in gold. The first 6 weeks are the hardest by far, but it's still a long road. Second, he hasn't bonded with the baby. This is pretty normal, but he does need to work on this and formulate a plan to fix it. My daughter hated her Dad for nearly two years. He didn't try, and it showed. It was stressful for everyone, including him because he felt rejected. He didn't listen of course and now we're divorced, but if your SO does listen, get him to treat this like a work problem. Research, make a plan, implement, review. Hugs.

  47. Does your husband also refer to your baby as “the baby”? It’s “our baby”, not “the baby”. Children are blessings, not burdens. I don’t know if this baby was planned, but your husband is making it very clear that it’s unwanted by him. He needs to fix his attitude immediately. That poor baby should not have to suffer because of your husband’s inability to be a father. He needs to shape up or ship out. My husband stepped up when my PPD kicked in, and he hasn’t stopped. I hope it does not get to that point for you guys.

  48. Your husband is being an ass. But telling him that won’t get you far. One way we’ve found helpful in thinking about baby and work is you track they free time you have NOT the work you do. So if husband has 1.5 in the evening to tune into a podcast you too should be able to get that somewhere too. This can take into account house work too, not just baby care. And should not include showering and eating that is a basic need.

  49. From your description, it sounds like your husband views his job as primary and yours as secondary - so because your job is less important, the extra childcare and household duties are falling to you. I would have a conversation with the husband to set things straight, especially if you’re expecting your careers to be double-primary (so both of you give and take, while keeping careers a priority). Double-primary requires extra help like a nanny and house cleaners so you can both focus on work instead of one taking a backseat for the other.

  50. I am the one with the more demanding job and my partner works full time too. She definitely does more than me for ours kids week to week (and I am very appreciative as I know how demanding and tiring it is looking after our kids!) - but I do everything I can as soon as I get home. And nursery / school has my number too and if I get a call for a sick child it's my responsibility to sort that too.

  51. He has to realize that at least for the first year of life of the baby, there is no break when coming home, there is no "ah finally I'm done with work" or taking time for yourself whenever you want/need.

  52. My husband isn’t a doctor but he manages several offices, and his job is insanely stressful. Mine is also stressful because I work in the financial sector. We have a special needs 11 year old, but in all of our years of being parents, we are a team. He helps with homework, I make dinner.

  53. Your husband's behavior is not acceptable. You are just as important as he is. Do not let him try to convince you otherwise. You are getting your PhD that is demanding and is a high achievement do not accept that it is somehow less than being a surgeon. Sit him down and let him know how it makes you feel when he is unwilling to even allow you to eat a meal and shower (it doesn't sounds like you're are asking for much). If he can't even acknowledge your efforts or dismisses them as trivial then that is a huge red flag and signals he has no intention to change.

  54. My husband works an excessively busy job - wears many administrative level hats as his company is too stupid and cheap to hire him help. He works away from home and he works while home on weekends (like today). But my gosh he still understands and steps up to the role he agreed to as a FATHER and is a wonderful FATHER to our baby boy. Your husband is a narcissist selfish chauvinistic butt munch that needs to get over himself and help out as is his responsibility and should be his honor as much as you! What a grand honor it is to raise a small human. If one sees child-rearing as a whole a burden, said person does not need to have children. I’m sorry he’s choosing to treat you and your precious baby like non-priorities. You deserve better. I’d tell him off but that’s just me.

  55. My husband is a nuclear operator. He works 12 hour shifts and flip flops nights. Right now he’s in an outage, so he is working 60 hours a week. He still helps the kids with bath time (when he’s home), helps our oldest with school, folds laundry, does the dishes, etc. I also work full time but from home, so naturally more responsibly falls on me. But my husband is aware of this and try’s his best to offset it!

  56. My husband has a demanding job and had three jobs until my son was 3 months. We did have to work out a system because neither of us were prepared for how demanding a newborn can be, and it became clear I needed more of his help when I developed post partum anxiety. I don’t think it’s as obvious to men when women need help (I’m generously giving them the benefit of the doubt) but you’ve made it clear you need him to step up with this baby he helped create, and he’s not. You’re husband is being selfish.

  57. For my husband, he was extremely uncomfortable with infants. I had to teach him. Often times I had to tell him directly, I.e. “Hold the baby while I eat”. He comes from a family with very traditional gender roles so it really doesn’t occur to him to jump in because he’s so used to seeing his mother do everything. But he has learned a lot! He’s doing a lot more now; he feels more comfortable with older children. Oh, he’s a principal planner for an international engineering firm.

  58. My so tries to be more engaged, but he struggles. Instead, he does pick up more household chores, like keeping the kitchen clean, folding laundry, vacuuming, etc. he also does everything outside of the house. And honestly, we don’t worry so much if the house is a mess. We prioritize time with our five yo and our own much-needed self care time.

  59. Yes, and IMO your husband is being an ass. The baby is equally his responsibility and you need down time/sleep as much as he does.

  60. My advice is to put the baby down and take a shower, eat your breakfast lunch and dinner, and do whatever else you need to do. Let the baby cry and learn to self soothe. I know that’s not what people want to hear but for the love of god, you cannot take care of that baby without taking care of yourself.

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