It was her joint account that she shared with her now ex boyfriend. Because all couples do that before marriage, right? Especially when she is 22. This is classic.
Even top quality, organic carrots are stupidly cheap. Even if he sticks multiple prime carrots up his ass during the day every day for a year the amount wouldn't be "copious".
Yep no way this is real. And if he is sticking those up his ass I would be very suprised that he did not lose one within the year and had to go to the doctor.
They way you write makes me think you're 14 and the details make me think it's all a huge pile of BS. Shared account with a seemingly short lived relationship? Bags of carrots ? No way.
I think the giveaway was "spending copious amounts". Carrots are like 19p a kilo, even if you consider £1 to be a copious amount of money the man would be dead.
YES! I'm glad people are catching on to the point a comment like this is at least halfway up the page, I hope one day it can be the top comment, then eventually we all just agree to downvote these things.
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand whatever the fuck this sub has become. I mean, this reads like a 6th grader's 'comedic' erotic short-story. These are barely even trying to be realistic stories anymore. This whole story just seemed like a set-up for a bunch of butt-play jokes about carrots. "I'm not one to kink shame, but my boyfriend wanting to shove phallic vegetables up his ass ruined our relationship." How adventurous of you. Would you break up with your girlfriend if she left her dildo out or wanted to rub a vegetable on herself to get off if you're claiming to be so open minded? They were together for *at least* a year, and this 'Non-kink-shaming' person left them over this? This is seriously nonsense. How is this even remotely believable? This is erotica written for middle-schoolers.
My favourite part was describing the amount of money spent on carrots when they're about 50p for bag of them. Let's say 2 big carrots cost 20p and he was said to be using 2 a day. That's £73 a year...
This is it folks. It finally happened. We had to survive through eight months of 2020 to see it, but we are here. The worst reddit post of all time. It's momentous, and I know I'll never forget it. I can finally unsub from
Glad someone agrees. I just left a much longer comment on here for this exact reason. This sub has turned into a "Give me upvotes for making jokes about 'kinky sex'. Extra points if I say I'm a lady"
Saves the carrots but buys bags of them with the joint account. Can only get off on it but has never told anyone else ever about it. Totally verbose and graphic. I don't understand how anyone is actually responding to this like it's remotely true. This sub is such utter crap now.
This is BS. No one could spend ‘copious’ amounts of money on carrots. Carrots are cheap. And coming home to ‘soggy carrots’ and lube. Get out. I’m not buying it.
A 5 lb bag of carrots costs about $4 at Walmart. I'd estimate conservatively that they come with like 15 in a bag. This means that about $8/mo was spent on carrots, even cheaper if baby carrots are used. This not a copious amount of money spent on carrots and I don't even believe you had a joint account with your boyfriend.
This story is a lie. A bag of carrots is only about $2. Unless he was buying organic. Also, carrots don't go soggy in the shower, I know because I used to eat carrots as a shower snack.
I don't think carrots are a safe thing to stick up your bum. What if it broke off and you were left with a bit of carrot stuck there? Actual sex toys pass safely tests to ensure something like that couldn't happen.
Of all the possible things he could have said, of all the possible fetishes he could be into- sticking something up his butt is pretty low on the “WTF” hierarchy.
my brother in law works in the ER and just pulled a carrot out of a mans ass last weekend. actually, it was a 15 year old kid. I just wonder how long it took before the kid went to his parents. "mom, dad...don't be mad"
Can we get a real TIFU for god sakes. Godamn Karma farmers. I think, that the likely scenario here is that the OP is the carrot fucker and they wanted to poll the internet to see what people would think.
Well shit, I love sticking things up my ass, but not vegetables. I prefer a simple smooth vibrator and or a prostate massager. Best orgasms us men will EVER have, give it a try, it will leave your legs shaking.
And the angel of the lord came unto me Snatching me up from my place of slumber And took me on high and higher still Until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own Midwest And as we descended cries of impending doom rose from the soil One thousand nay a million voices full of fear And terror possessed me then And I begged Angel of the Lord what are these tortured screams? And the angel said unto me These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard Tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat Like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers! Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus
I was all set to give you grief for reacting badly to his harmless delight, but.... leaving used carrots around greasy and sad is....damn..... yeah, that would put me off too.... damn.
"sticking carrots up his clacker..." That gave me a fit of laughter. sorry you had to deal with that and the carrot letdown, but seriously, thanks for sharing.
I think you’re a massive asshole for going online to tell the world about it. Imagine how you’d feel if you were him and you read some intimate details about you posted on reddit by an ex.
Taking advantage of someone being drunk to invade their privacy and get them to tell secrets they don't want to tell is fucked up, especially if you're pretending to care about them on top of that.
I used to do this for my then-boyfriend when I was younger. Didn't really know much about sex, and the concept of buying and using a dildo was too embarrassing for me.
He would leave shame carrots in the shower?!?? WTF was he cumming back for them later?
Fucking shame carrots
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I didn’t think it was possible to sexually abuse a vegetable but I guess you learn something new every day.
‘Shame carrots’ - I’m crying!!!
showercarrot
Don't think too hard, it's a completely made up story.
I see it as a way of asking for more sex. See? While you were away I had two carrots because I was lonely
Like this story wasn't funny enough without you inventing shame carrots...you get a well deserved upvote.
Gotta get that beta kerotine somehow
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Was his eyesight insanely good because of it?
Guess you could say his hindsight was 20/20
That was WW2 British propaganda to hide their radar arrays
He takes his beta carotene rectally.
I’m sad you guys broke up.. I was really rooting for ya
HA.
I've never heard of anything grocer.
I don’t really carrot all.
Take me upvote and get the feck out.
Sounds like she really found the root of the cause. I’ll see myself out.
I literally carrot believe it!
Why not just...?
Of course this exists
"I didn’t enjoy using my SelfDelve Carrot Dildo quite as much as my Corn on the Cob Dildo or my Aubergine Dildo. "
No flared base? Fucking amateurs.
Why did i just read the whole review
Well that was my risky click of the day
Thanks, I hate it.
I shouldn't have clicked that. I regret everything
lmao
Something something flared base
Carasutra... CARA-FUCKING-SUTRA... I'm out
Hmm carrots are like .89 cents a bag... I don’t think he was spending copious amount of money on carrots.
It was her joint account that she shared with her now ex boyfriend. Because all couples do that before marriage, right? Especially when she is 22. This is classic.
Dude carrots are like $5.00 for a 5lb bag here. Maybe $6.00
That, plus if I felt like leaving the browser trail behind me, I bet I could find a carrot shaped dildo out there on the internets..
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I usually decide it isnt real at "TIFU"
And 'soggy carrots'... was his ass so hot that it was cooking them?
Even top quality, organic carrots are stupidly cheap. Even if he sticks multiple prime carrots up his ass during the day every day for a year the amount wouldn't be "copious".
That's what got me too. He'd have to be using hundreds a day.
Apart from carrots being insanely cheap, I did wonder about that... who opens a joint account with a new boyfriend?
She probably heard someone has that fetish and this idea clicked
Yep no way this is real. And if he is sticking those up his ass I would be very suprised that he did not lose one within the year and had to go to the doctor.
yep me too. They have joint accounts? Also carrots are dirt cheap
Haha can you imagine the amount of carrots you have when you spend "copious amounts" on them?
I decided it wasn't after
Carrots up the ass was a top comment on a tifu post from yesterday or the day before. They just stole it and made it into a post
I only got it at the last sentence, though I should probably have gotten it at "carrot-gate" already... xD
that drove it home fully for me, but started having my suspicions when she said it happened 2 years ago, then said “let’s flashback to a year ago”.
Right? Who tf has a joint account within a year of getting together? That sounds like a really really bad idea.
Ya.. a 16 oz bag of carrots is less than a dollar
Early into the relationship and already sharing a bank acc.. dubious at best
This is quite possibly the saddest thing i have ever read
WAS ONE NOT ENOUGH‽
Yeah that seems like a shitty reality to be in. Same with the sex, you work hard and then have to work in bed too.
Right? Such an happy bottle being shamed into sadness.
They way you write makes me think you're 14 and the details make me think it's all a huge pile of BS. Shared account with a seemingly short lived relationship? Bags of carrots ? No way.
Pretty sure this is a troll post, anyone that thinks this is serious needs lessons in sarcasm
If you’re going to make them up, at least make them believable!
I think the giveaway was "spending copious amounts". Carrots are like 19p a kilo, even if you consider £1 to be a copious amount of money the man would be dead.
Horny teens of this sub will upvote anything sexual, even more so if it's obviously made up.
Do carrot porn enthusiasts care if their smut is believable?
I’m not sure why that bothered you. I wouldn’t carrot all.
chuckles
I'm calling BS. Why would you have a joint account with someone you were in less than a yr relationship with?
Yup, and someone estimated that it would only cost $7.00 a month for the carrots.
This feels like a LARP for karma...
One of the most obvious creative writing exercises you've ever see, on any sub.
I saw a TIFU post about a dude getting hair Lazer off his ass and the lady commented on his wedding ring BUT he thought it was his ass.
I feel like this whole subreddit is just a satire of a satire :(
YES! I'm glad people are catching on to the point a comment like this is at least halfway up the page, I hope one day it can be the top comment, then eventually we all just agree to downvote these things.
Wut?
Yeah this one made me unsubscribe. Bye guys!
Knock knock.
Now that he's single, maybe he'll find his Carrot Top and settle down
I'm sorry, but I cannot stand whatever the fuck this sub has become. I mean, this reads like a 6th grader's 'comedic' erotic short-story. These are barely even trying to be realistic stories anymore. This whole story just seemed like a set-up for a bunch of butt-play jokes about carrots. "I'm not one to kink shame, but my boyfriend wanting to shove phallic vegetables up his ass ruined our relationship." How adventurous of you. Would you break up with your girlfriend if she left her dildo out or wanted to rub a vegetable on herself to get off if you're claiming to be so open minded? They were together for *at least* a year, and this 'Non-kink-shaming' person left them over this? This is seriously nonsense. How is this even remotely believable? This is erotica written for middle-schoolers.
Brutal.. I love it and totally agree. The pre-thought surplus of jokes and cheesy/puny humor is usually a dead giveaway.
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What gave it away? The "relo" and "boyf"?
Seems legit
My favourite part was describing the amount of money spent on carrots when they're about 50p for bag of them. Let's say 2 big carrots cost 20p and he was said to be using 2 a day. That's £73 a year...
Why did you have a joint account with a boyfriend?
damn this subreddit fucking sucks now.
TIFU: Tell me an Invented story about FUcking
Legitimately I was on
Obviously made up, was expecting OP to admit to it at the end...
Yeah ok
This is it folks. It finally happened. We had to survive through eight months of 2020 to see it, but we are here. The worst reddit post of all time. It's momentous, and I know I'll never forget it. I can finally unsub from
to be fair, it was clear for a while that, if the worst post ever was to be written some day, it would be on
Puns aside, not cool to take advantage of somebody's intoxication to wheedle out a secret.
If it were a true story, you'd have a fair point
Yeah, that's absolute asshole behavior.
A joint financial account in less than two years together?! Is this the actual FU?
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Glad someone agrees. I just left a much longer comment on here for this exact reason. This sub has turned into a "Give me upvotes for making jokes about 'kinky sex'. Extra points if I say I'm a lady"
It’s like he wrote it to see if the internet would kink shame his own kink of shoving things up his ass
What do you mean?! It's so good, OP should be an author!
Saves the carrots but buys bags of them with the joint account. Can only get off on it but has never told anyone else ever about it. Totally verbose and graphic. I don't understand how anyone is actually responding to this like it's remotely true. This sub is such utter crap now.
This is BS. No one could spend ‘copious’ amounts of money on carrots. Carrots are cheap. And coming home to ‘soggy carrots’ and lube. Get out. I’m not buying it.
And then everyone clapped
Did he dump u bc u unironically say ‘relo’
Every post on TIFU didn't actually happen today. So it's not "obligatory" to point it out.
A 5 lb bag of carrots costs about $4 at Walmart. I'd estimate conservatively that they come with like 15 in a bag. This means that about $8/mo was spent on carrots, even cheaper if baby carrots are used. This not a copious amount of money spent on carrots and I don't even believe you had a joint account with your boyfriend.
Fuck me that can't be real lol
I highly doubt it’s real
This sounds like some 17year old wrote some absolute lie about carrots to be funny
Something about the way this person tells this story makes me not like it.
This story is a lie. A bag of carrots is only about $2. Unless he was buying organic. Also, carrots don't go soggy in the shower, I know because I used to eat carrots as a shower snack.
No way is this real,
I don't think carrots are a safe thing to stick up your bum. What if it broke off and you were left with a bit of carrot stuck there? Actual sex toys pass safely tests to ensure something like that couldn't happen.
how many carrots do you need to buy before you just invest in a dildo?
Oh come on this is not fucking real 😂
I find there are too many contradictory ideas in this story for me to find it believable
Another fucking sexual post?
Bollocks. Just not having it. How much are carrots? Fuck all. You can't complain about him spending loads of money on them. They're pennies each.
Oof.
Oof indeed
Oof size large
You've heard of Carrot Top, now get ready for Carrot Bottom.
Pffft. B*llocks.
Of all the possible things he could have said, of all the possible fetishes he could be into- sticking something up his butt is pretty low on the “WTF” hierarchy.
Bugs Bunny has left the chat
my brother in law works in the ER and just pulled a carrot out of a mans ass last weekend. actually, it was a 15 year old kid. I just wonder how long it took before the kid went to his parents. "mom, dad...don't be mad"
Exactly, If that's a real kink he had, why would you fucking buy a metric fuck ton of carrots instead of a dildo or buttplug?
...
This exactly what I was thinking! Glad to see another Tool fan xD
Toolband
Dude a bag of carrots costs like 90 cents
Can we get a real TIFU for god sakes. Godamn Karma farmers. I think, that the likely scenario here is that the OP is the carrot fucker and they wanted to poll the internet to see what people would think.
Just, why would someone rather put a vegetable in their ass than a legitimate sex toy?
Honestly, (and I don’t wanna psychoanalyse the bloke) I think he was ashamed of it and getting a dildo would have made it too real
What the fuck is this post
How TF could this be real. I'm dying of laughter.
Well shit, I love sticking things up my ass, but not vegetables. I prefer a simple smooth vibrator and or a prostate massager. Best orgasms us men will EVER have, give it a try, it will leave your legs shaking.
I want to believe you but I don't think I can
What if he sticks one up his ass and it breaks 0.0
And the angel of the lord came unto me Snatching me up from my place of slumber And took me on high and higher still Until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own Midwest And as we descended cries of impending doom rose from the soil One thousand nay a million voices full of fear And terror possessed me then And I begged Angel of the Lord what are these tortured screams? And the angel said unto me These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard Tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat Like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared "Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers! Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus
Okay but I just need to know if OP is Aussie ? Need to know if my Aussie detection skills are as good as I think
relo and I froth a
This changes my whole carrot or stick model for lofe
I was all set to give you grief for reacting badly to his harmless delight, but.... leaving used carrots around greasy and sad is....damn..... yeah, that would put me off too.... damn.
I read that ending as "shredding a tear"
Your use of 'relo' and 'boyf' made me irrationally angry
Putting vegetables in your orifices is asking for infections. His scoffing won't prevent an ass infection.
You're missing a perfect opportunity to call him "Carrot Cakes".
I think it wasn't the carrots he was into
Sometimes these are just specific enough that I think there’s no doubt the person the post is about reads it.
really stretching on this one huh
jesus disappointed christ what is this
His brown eye can see in the dark
This is wildly australian.
Coulda eaten them out his ass as a quick snacc. 🤷🏻♀️
"sticking carrots up his clacker..." That gave me a fit of laughter. sorry you had to deal with that and the carrot letdown, but seriously, thanks for sharing.
Moral of the story is: do not ask for a secret if you are not ready to hear it (or be prepared to deal with said secret)
also shitty to be like "ooh, he's drunk and i'm sober. i bet i can out smart him."
I think you’re a massive asshole for going online to tell the world about it. Imagine how you’d feel if you were him and you read some intimate details about you posted on reddit by an ex.
The carrots were the root of the problem.
He didn't seem to carrot all, wow
fuuuuuuuck it popped up and then instantly disappeared. anyone grab it?
Taking advantage of someone being drunk to invade their privacy and get them to tell secrets they don't want to tell is fucked up, especially if you're pretending to care about them on top of that.
dear gods..just get him a carrot dildo...(Yes those exits..apparently..O_o )
Why is it called gate?
God, human individuals can be... weird.
I used to do this for my then-boyfriend when I was younger. Didn't really know much about sex, and the concept of buying and using a dildo was too embarrassing for me.
sad bugs bunny noises
copypasta
Id be more impressed if it was a broccoli
There’s a Trump joke in there somewhere.
Should've just bought him a dildo. They probably come in orange.
Now I’m sad
Taking two carrots at the same time is impressive.
Ah man, What wouldn’t happen if he made dinner nd it’s was carrot related? Did you trust him he didn’t shove t up his ass first?
It's good that you broke up, he didn't carrot all about you.
Maybe you misunderstood what salad toss meant
You have to be an Aussie.
A man visits a doctor and says "Doc, I like to stick carrots up my ass but I'm worried it's making my asshole orange"
Some stories are worth their weight in gold. This one's... about 24 carrots.
So...if he loves orange things dude must be bonkers over Donny boy
I laughed, but i feel for you. He seriously didn't want to have sex though? Only liked to stick carrots (or anything) up his ass? That's unfortunate
More proof that you should never ask someone for their secrets nor tell anyone your own
Carrot-Bottom ?
Do you think he started with baby carrots?
Oh no. Please let me be able to keep my username after this...
I'm so sorry. This made me laugh though. The carrot gods wouldn't blame you.
He might have wanted to use carrots as it seems there is a stigma about men owning sex toys
He could've said eggplant.
Relo, and boyf. We get more lazy with our writing with each passing day.
I wish I did not read this.
This is the secret to why trump is orange. Carrot butt plugs
Was his name Doc? You should never ask What's up Doc?
This sub is cancer now