1. And keep pointing it out. Don't let up. Don't feel guilty. Every time he pulls this shit, call it out and let him know how disappointed you are.

  2. Next time he offers to swap plates, DO. IT. Or make a show of dumping your plate in the trash and ordering door dash because yours was inedible. Stop being a damn doormat.

  3. He might not know WHY he’s doing it, or notice when he is, but you consistently pointing out this bizarre behavior is the best way to encourage him to make a change.

  4. When he passive agrressively tells you to switch plates, take him up on that offer! Them give him half of his plate back. The fact that he eats bigger portions makes this exceptionally rude.

  5. Not only is it bizarre, it’s just low, and rude, and kinda gross imo. Any woman I’ve been with regardless of our work schedules we both ate equally and prepared meals for each other equally. If anything I’d make sure they got the less burnt burger, I even recall a time where I’ve swapped plates and started eating so that she had to eat the better steak. I feel like if you aren’t putting your partner first when it comes to the simple things how can they count on you when some shit goes down?

  6. She says she does sometimes, and that he will sometimes offer his plate to her because of it but that its way too much food for her (about double her portions)

  7. When my partner makes food, if one part kinda falls apart (like fish), I'm always served the intact one. It really is the little things that matter the most.

  8. My boyfriend and I alternate making each other breakfast on weekends, and if the person making breakfast broke an egg yolk, they always serve that one to themselves

  9. Well it generally like this only. Doesn't matter if the other person is your partner, parent, kid or friend. While you're the one who burnt the food by mistake, you happen to either discard that part or to serve that to yourself and NEVER THE OTHER WAY AROUND. It surprised me to know that OPs husband has been doing the other way around for this long.

  10. I agree. Sometimes, when I haven’t made omelettes in a while, my first one is a bit crazy… not neat, a bit of a mess. I always take that one because I’m cooking for my family and I want to offer a better presentation to them.

  11. My husband and I do this too. If I cook I make him the nicer plate and vice versa- after we serve the kids anyway. We argue about who gets the 'crappy' plate.

  12. Same. When I make dinner for the wife I always hook up her and the kids plates. I'll eat scraps, it's all good. Ur man knows exactly what he is doing!!!

  13. When I read stories like this, I find it hard to believe that the described behavious is the *only* conspicious behaviour that the other person is showing. I imagine if one (e.g. a therapist) talks to OP for a longer while, they will find more stuff.

  14. My husband would never even think to give me the burnt or less perfect food, even though he knows I really don't care and I'll sometimes grab the imperfect food before he puts anything on a plate. He once broke the yolks of two eggs while making me breakfast and kept those for himself, even when he's not a big egg eater. He then served me two perfectly made over easy eggs.

  15. I bet it's because she's the breadwinner. Makes him feel less of a man so he has to give himself the better food to compensate.

  16. i do most of the cooking but i do this too.. it would feel greedy to force my bf or my kids to eat substandard food if im the one who damaged it. plus, when i cook for my bf it's because he works longer and takes me out etc so when i get to contribute, i get to show my appreciation by making him an amazing meal

  17. If OP makes the money she should box up every inedible thing he makes for a week and then refuse to buy groceries and tell him he can eat his damn leftovers if he’s hungry.

  18. I agree this passive aggressive to the max and must be met head-on. I do want to give him some benefit of doubt because I’ve seen the same kind of food behavior with depression and trauma. Specifically if he grew up with any type of food insecurity.

  19. Growing up with siblings, and now with my husband when there are treats we both really want, we do the rule that whoever cuts/serves the food gets second choice on the plate. That way the person doing the plating is motivated to make it equal since the other person gets first choice. Maybe try suggesting that, and if he complains that his plate is worse, then it's his own fault.


  21. I'm not buying that he doesn't notice. He notices enough to fix his plate the way he intends & always seem to manage getting the good bits. This is passive aggressive, whether he knows why he does it or not

  22. Yeah i could see him not noticing if maybe he’s just putting the bad bits away, like just picking out the wilted lettuce and putting it back in the bag, but man hes actively separating out the bad bits and giving them to her. He’s gotta be doing it on purpose

  23. What’s the cake rule? One person cuts, the other chooses. So instigate a boundary that you fix your plate yourself. If you want to stay with someone who treats you like that. I wouldn’t.

  24. I’m honestly thinking that’s his whole plan - for her to cook more often. I bet he has some sort of resentment about cooking so much (even though from what we know about his and her work hours it sounds fair.) He obviously has some sort of issue, but this kinda seems like a form of weaponized incompetence that’s turned into being petty because it didn’t work. In other words, I’m wondering if he’s burning the food intentionally just so he can give her bad pieces in hopes she’ll give up and start cooking more often. Because he’s basically only burning enough to give her, and not the whole dish.

  25. That’s pretty shitty of him. I don’t remember being taught this by anyone but, like your friend, when serving someone else I naturally give them whichever plate looks better. I’m not suggesting you do this but I can’t help but wonder how he’d react if after making up the 2 plates he were to look away or exit the room for a moment only to come back to find that your plates had been switched and you’d already started eating “your” food. It’d be absurd for him to ask to switch plates if they’re the same right? It’d be even more absurd to ask to switch if you’d already put some condiment or side that only you like on your plate as well...

  26. RIGHT! What if she were to 'accidentally' take his plate. It would be abundantly clear that he was giving himself much better meals.

  27. Same here, I don’t really remember anyone specifically teaching me. It just feels like the naturally right thing to do. I burned a turkey burger the night, like incinerated the thing. I’d been looking forward to it all day and there were 3 unburned ones. I took the burned one. I wasn’t stoked about it, but it would have been rude as hell to feed it to my husband or kids.

  28. Giving you a salad made of all the nasty pieces??? I would have lost my sh*t on him and packed my bags. Like WTH?? It’d be one thing if it wasn’t a pattern but seriously?? You make all the money and are married to an ungrateful leech

  29. I am absolutely losing it over this. it’s borderline abusive. not because it’s physically harmful, but it’s the tiniest way to make someone feel lesser than. and if it’s happening daily or weekly, death by a thousand paper cuts. I also feel like it’s gaslighting to claim he didn’t do it. she must be imagining it right?? this is the kind of dickhead to dip your toothbrush in the toilet. it’s nasty little jabs and that is NOT what spouses do to and for each other. no.

  30. You got the word I was thinking -- selfish. It really seems like a behavior issue; whether or not it is caused by something OP did/said could be one reason. Another, is him just being this way for a long time due to his family, environment, etc.

  31. Agreed! She needs to ask. I always give my husband the fattier pieces of steak when I cook but he is an oddball and likes the fat.

  32. Yeah so he wasn’t thinking about it but he did it anyways… which tells me he did it on autopilot. So why? Why is he intentionally giving you less desirable food, is he trying to make you eat less, is it so he feels like the big man of the house without being the breadwinner, is he just really this staggeringly selfish? I don’t see an answer that doesn’t make it pretty obvious that he’s doing it on purpose.

  33. When he offers the switch plates with you, take his plate and cut away any excessive portions from his plate and put it on to the plate with the burnt food and then hand the burnt food back to him with the larger portions. Then you keep the plate with the unburnt portion that size to your eating portion that you normally consume.

  34. Or communicate and if he doesn't open up about his behavior and work on a resolution you leave. All this non-verbal petty bullshit in this thread.

  35. Whenever I make food for my husband I ALWAYS give him the best parts, the bigger pieces, everything. But I also recognize that I go above and beyond. When he cook, which is the vast majority of the time, he has me serve myself and takes the rest. This works out well for both of us because I am very fair and he doesn't have to worry about it. My suggestion is that you start serving yourself but also... I'm kinda mad at him. It's messed up that that's his default. It seems like he thinks he deserves a better plate because he cooked and he's not interrogating that feeling or reasoning with himself, he's just acting on impulse. He doesn't need to do that.

  36. When this happens are you typically watching him prepare the food or only realizing it when it's placed in front of you at the table?

  37. I generally only realise when it's placed on the table. I have witnessed him do it a few times, like the examples I included in my post, but more often I'm cooped up in my office until he announces that food's ready.

  38. This is super weird and I would be MAD! It could be nothing, he may really be oblivious... However, my concern is that it's indicative of something underlying, either simple selfishness or a lack of care and respect for you - either consciously or subconsciously.

  39. I feel like this is some passive aggressive jab at you for being the breadwinner. Because outside of that, it’s fucking rude and bizarre.

  40. Screw this. Next time she points it out and he makes a show of offering his plate, she needs to go to the kitchen, get herself a new plate, and take some decent fucking food. He eats 2x what she does, he'll have good left and can eat the not great bits. 2-3x and I'm sure he'll be more fair

  41. This isn't relationship advice, idk why people upvote this crap. She needs to have a conversation and figure out why he is being a disrespectful asshole.

  42. Urgh you are NOT crazy. It's basic manners as the cook, if you burn a bit then you take the burnt bit. Was he raised by wolves!?

  43. I tend to read in between the lines and in so many words OP’s husband is going out of his way to show her that he prioritizes his own wants above hers. I mean especially the part where she mentioned he will painstakingly pick out dried fruit from her cereal to add to his own bowl?! He is subtly giving her the finger. Underlying resentment perhaps?

  44. My husband is a chef. He would rather die himself than give me burnt food. If a man wants to he will. And he if doesn’t. He will make sure he doesn’t. He does this on purpose. This isn’t a “oh no I’m so sorry I didn’t see that part of your food.” The part being the size of a penny or less rather than the nasty parts of food no one ever eats. This isn’t something you do by accident, every. single. Time. It happens.

  45. Start making your own plate. I always slice the roast or bird onto a platter. Everyone makes their own plate. I don't know how hungry everyone is. Sounds like he's being passive-aggressive.

  46. He seems greedy or selfish when it comes to food then. This is super bizarre and rude. For someone to go as far as picking out certain types of pieces and placing it on their plate is a bit much. If you were on a deserted island with your husband and there was only 1 chocolate bar left, he would eat it all and give you the crumbs.

  47. When I’m cooking for my partner I always serve him the best portion. I also take more care when plating his food to make it looks nice because I love him. Your husband sounds like a selfish ass. Do you eat the burnt/wilted/shitty portions without complaint? I’d be calling him out immediately, like wtf.

  48. Funny, I always serve my husband the best pieces or bits of things when I make dinner for him. I like to think it shows him how much I love him. ❤️❤️❤️

  49. I feel like there’s a lot more going on than just this. Obviously this is unacceptable, but you’re fine with being the breadwinner and working three times more than this guy? And then he takes the food that you pay for?

  50. He knows exactly what he's doing. From now on, be rude about it. Call him out and accuse him of being a greedy asshole and giving you the bad food. Demand to switch plates instead of waiting for him to act like a petulant child.

  51. It seems he’s resentful or something. This is intentional. He does everything intentionally. If he’s serving you the worse food then you should stop eating what he’s cooking since he’s refusing to acknowledge what he’s doing

  52. My husband used to do things like this. The better pieces, the better glass of wine, the best pieces of sushi... never figured out exactly why, but it was definitely a sign our marriage was in a really bad place. It was just these little passive aggressive thing that added up. I think there was a part of him that hated me. Sorry...

  53. I don’t think you should have to “learn to live with” this. It’s pretty shitty and it’s absolutely intentional. Picking the fruit out of your cereal to put it in his? Come on! You can’t tell me he doesn’t do shit like that deliberately.

  54. So you work your ass off and your husband serves you garbage meals???? My husband would NEVER do this! And I will always serve myself the worst part of a meal if something went wrong! My husband always gives me and our daughters the best steaks and himself the worst which I really hate bc he deserves a good steak too! My jaw just kept dropping lower and lower as I read this! I am so sorry your husband is so damn selfish!!!

  55. Maybe tell him next time “oh you cooked all this food, let me serve it to you” and see if he calls you out for doing the same thing

  56. Next time he offers, TAKE HIS PLATE. Eat what you can, tell him he can have your leftovers since that’s how he treats and feeds you.

  57. So you are the breadwinner and you tolerate this mistreatment from a drama king, switch plates with him, every single time, or get a new plate and take from his portion until he stops being shitty, he knows what he is doing

  58. You tried talking about it outside of the moment, now do it inside the moment. When you see him picking at who gets what, ask why.

  59. My gf, who’s not currently but we’re still basically….anyways long story, anytime we have dinner together we literally both fight each other on who gets the best part of what was made. Not fight FOR it but fight to GIVE it. If somethings burned, I want to take it and give her the good stuff or she fights saying she wants me to have the good stuff. I just think that’s how it should be. Your dude’s just kind of a jerk… share the burnt parts evenly if you burn it, take the burned parts if you burnt it, or pay attention to what the hell your doing in the kitchen and don’t burn it. So simple. Yet seems to be so hard for him, maybe he just doesn’t respect you.

  60. NTA but your husband is. Next time he makes a show of offering you his plate, take it. If you don't eat it all, throw the rest away. Complain every time. Take his plate every time. Eventually, he'll get the idea.

  61. This is actually one of the things my wife and I are obnoxious cute about. If one of us is making eggs and breaks a yolk, the cook eats that one and the person being served says "oh no baby! You take the good egg!""No no, I insist." We don't serve each other fucking lettuce that has gone off what the actual fuck.

  62. Next time he serves you something less than like that grab your bag and take yourself out to a nice dinner. First dump the burnt and wilted crap in the bin.

  63. if i cook anything for anyone and it goes wrong, i will always serve them the better part of the dish and eat the worse part myself unless i REALLY dislike them and want them to know it.

  64. So just start pointing it out in the moment, and don't back down if he gets huffy or can't come up with an excuse. My dad does this with me when I visit. He makes breakfast (amazing at it) and my mom get's the good over easy eggs, and I noticed I was always getting the broke or fried egg (I want a runny yoke!). After mentioning it in a passive aggressive or "joking way" a few times, one day I just got up from the table and said- these eggs are overcooked, I am making myself some new ones- and my Dad tried to be dramatic and I just threw out the eggs and made some new ones and said "it's okay, but I want a good egg and am happy to make it myself." He was being kind by even cooking, but at the same time, it does feel shitty to see you aren't getting good food and it feels purposeful.

  65. This is rude as fuck. Does he think he deserves it since he cooked it? Or that he is superior to you? This is not respectful or equal partners.

  66. I’m always given the best bits if my man is cooking. And when I’m serving food that’s bits that aren’t perfect I’ll serve the not good bits to myself first and give him and the children the best bits.

  67. The fact that you have pointed it out, and he keeps doing it, speaks volumes. Either he is intentionally doing it out of spite or he cares so little for you that he unintentionally gives you the worst of everything.

  68. Start taking his plate. Actually take it and it doesn't matter if you waste a bit a few times, because I bet it only happens once or twice before he starts to get the picture.

  69. I always eat the broken yolk or burnt bits. I do all the cooking and want my loved one to have the best bits. Especially because as a kid, he always had the leftovers.

  70. I would put a name to the feeling you get when this happens and tell him that's how you feel. Unappreciated, undervalued, disrespected, whatever. You pointed out he's a low performer when it comes to breadwinning so you can ask him if you make him feel unappreciated too for the lower contribution. Tell him you don't treat him like that so neither should he. Do it every time, let him leave the food on the stove or serving plates for you to serve yourself first. It's really imature.

  71. It’s obvious your husband resents you and his giving you the bad parts of the food - are his way of getting one on you. This is a dominance/control thing. He likely feels inferior with you as the bread winner, so controlling the food and who gets the better portions, makes him feel better and more deserving than you. I would talk to him about how he feels about you being the breadwinner and if he resents you for that. You are not to blame for his feelings, he should use his words and communicate.

  72. I don’t understand the “I don’t mean to”. After pointing this out once I’d think if he actually cared he would then be more careful about it.

  73. It all sounded bad/indefensible, but.. "he'll pick the dried fruit bits out of my cereal and add it to his"? Seriously? He's putting in work to make your food bad. Not accidental. Intentional, time-intensive B.S. It would also make me wonder what he's doing that you're not noticing (food is easy to see, who knows what bizarre stuff you're missing!). I wouldn't feel safe with that level of aggression just under the surface.

  74. He does it because he's selfish. He knows he's doing it. I would start taking his plate and giving him yours. Too much food?. Throw it out. A couple times of this and he'll get the message. It seems to me that he is totally taking advantage of you. Or he is weaponizing his incompetence to try and make you do the cooking as well as make the money. Some men really deep down believe that women should do all the cooking and housework no matter how much they work outside the home. Start buying him cookbooks.

  75. Everyone talking about the food which is fair, but how about the fact that this dude just straight up doesnt even like or care about you enough that he is leaving you the scraps and picking through shitty food to give to you? He sounds like a dick. And then pretends like hes blacking out while he does it? This guy is deeply selfish or something.

  76. What the fuck. I was raised in an abusive poor household and I know you don’t do shit like this. If I cook for someone else I give them the best bits, I just give myself more of the off cuts lol. Your husband doesn’t like that he has to cook for you all the time it sounds like

  77. I read quite a few comments now and am surprised no one has suggested platting your own food. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but if he truly doesn’t realize it tell him to keep all the food in the pot/bowl/pan and when it’s time to eat you would like to serve yourself BEFORE him. Also, if this is more nefarious I’d be worried he’s tampering with your food. Like, doing gross stuff to it

  78. My husband does the cooking (and is the breadwinner) and goes to pains to give me the best of any meal - there is no excuse for being stingy or greedy, nor for getting defensive when called out on it.

  79. If I ever muck up something I always serve myself the worst parts of the meal. That's just sad that he give you the worst bits.

  80. OP - you should take his plate, put half of his serve onto another plate for yourrself, leaving him with half a serve (his size) of good food and half a serve of shitty food from your original plate. That's actually a fair outcome; both of you get an equal amount of satisfactory food. If he complains about getting the shitty food as part of his then that proves he KNOWS it's shitty and is deliberately fobbing it off on you.

  81. He knows what he'd doing and then he gaslights you about it. How about you serve dinner sometime and fix the plates they way he always does, but give him the crappy bits. I'll bet he notices then. He sounds resentful of the task of cooking (if not other things as well) and takes it out on you. Get this man baby to therapy.

  82. I cook for my partner more so than he cooks for me (illness and bad cook) and if when I’m dishing up it falls apart I know that’s my plate. His looks like a completely different standard to mine!

  83. Not an accident. If I burn food for my family, I will serve them whatever is good, or cook a new meal. I would rather go without than they eat bad food.

  84. I do most of the cooking in our home, and there is no way I would serve the less desirable anything to my husband or kids. Sometimes, my husband prefers things I don’t like (fatty bits, etc.), but he’s told me that.

  85. I always serve the best parts of the food I make to the person I like/love the most at the table (not a comment on my self-esteem, I’m fucking awesome). I love to cook because I LOVE to feed the people I love delicious food. I will literally eat 2 bites of a meal I took 3 hours making because seeing other enjoy the results of my work is so much better than enjoying it myself. It’s super petty and nasty of your husband to do this over and over and over again. Next time he offers you his plate take it and eat to your fill, then give it back and leave. Good cooking is a labor of love.

  86. He’s obviously lying to you that this is unintentional and it’s just so incredibly selfish and childish. The next time he offers you his plate, take it. Serve yourself what you want and give the rest back to him and watch him have a tantrum.

  87. You gotta take his plate when he offers!! eat till You are full and then he can have the rest. It’s common courtesy to give your partners good food! Not the burnt parts. Dude is inherently selfish op sorry.

  88. Is he like this with other people or only you? It could be resentment and he’s taking it out you. So he feels like you don’t deserve the best and takes it for himself. Or he’s been the spoiled golden child that always got the best. Maybe he’s a glutton that’s very greedy about his food. I would see if there’s other ways he’s showing greed in the relationship.

  89. I ALWAYS give my husband the better serve of food, and he ALWAYS does the same for me. It is incredibly lame and disrespectful of him to do this to you.

  90. Is it possible that he’s an extremely picky eater and thinks you’re willing to take the crappy bits for him?

  91. I think you could solve this by not letting him make your plate. When the food is ready you both go together and ladies go first. If he has a problem with you going first, then you know you have a real problem.

  92. He sounds very selfish. Tell him you want to dish up your own food from what’s been prepared so you can choose what you like for your plate. As far as picking fruit out of your cereal? That’s simply disgusting. He may not be doing this to intentionally hurt you, but he’s out of control with putting his food desires first. I think you can probably manage the situation so that you’re getting decent food, but that’s not going to solve the deeper issue of him wanting to hog all the best resources for himself. Is this only an issue with food or are you always getting the worst of everything?

  93. This man hates you. Why are you with this guy? My husband cooks 99% of the time and he will make “perfect bites” for me when he’s cooking and then I serve myself first (as I eat less) and he always makes sure I have enough. It’s the little things that mean so much. I can’t imagine how hurt and unloved I would feel if my husband purposely served me the worst bits. That is just so awful.

  94. My partner does the cooking every night. I always get the good bits. I have to make him share the bad ones. Your husband is being a major twat. On purpose.

  95. It's coded in our DNA to want to nourish ourselves with the better portions and quality food. There's a drive you can see in the very young to take more and better and it empathy has to be taught to children through example. Healthy parents will teach their kids to look at others as equal and would give them a sense of "do unto others". Its the fundamentals of childhood. You just dont do that to others. What your husband lacks is empathy about the situation. He lacks the ability (whether consciously or not) to ask himself if he would like to be served the gross parts of the food by you. Is he like this in other aspects or just the food? Because that seems like it would bleed into other parts of his personality.

  96. Offer a new favor! He cooks, but you set the table and plate the food while he relaxes in the chair. Only takes a minute and he won't be able to do... Whatever the hell it is he's doing

  97. I usually serve my husband the nice and intact part of the food since I’m cooking and want to present the best to him. But he will look at my plate and give me the nicer pieces or my favorite part of the meal.

  98. Maybe he feels demasculated that u are the bread and butter supporter? And this is his weird way of revenge. Create the rule u make the plates and I get the first pick and if it's the bigger plate u can scoop some onto his. Or that u each make ur own plate, of course ladies first.

  99. That is so selfish. And maybe that’s just him and he doesn’t know that it is hurting your feelings. If I make eggs and pop my fried egg I’ll keep it and give my partner the good egg. And basically I’ll eat what I mess up and serve him the good ones out of love.

  100. When he serves do the following: 1.- Take both plates. 2.- Mix them up. 3.- Serve again. Or If he offers from his plate, just take your portion directly from his plate and give your portion to him. If he doesn’t listen, then show what you want!

  101. Not sure if anyone has already mentioned this, but I grew up with the rule that whoever serves the portions is the last to choose the plate. That way, they’re motivated to portion fairly.

  102. Start taking pics of the condition of the food on your plate as if you were going to post it to social media. Maybe if he sees what you could show the world, he’ll get his head out of his A.

  103. Start cooking for yourself. He will get the hint. Maybe give him his shitty bits for left overs on your night of cooking and cook yourself something nice. Do it “unintentionally” lol.

  104. When I was growing up, my mom would use the "you cut, I chose rule." It works because the person separating the food is incentivized to distribute the food as even as possible. Since he eats more, then you can put whatever you don't want into his plate.

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