1. My daughter was in ED treatment (ERC Denver) with a woman in her 30's. This woman was absolutely beautiful, but so, so sick. My daughter got better and left treatment. The same was true for this woman. About 8 months after they left treatment the beautiful lady died in her sleep. She had truly been getting better, but the damage to her heart was done and her death came with no warning.

  2. I know exactly who you are talking about. I miss her every day. I’m guessing I may know your daughter too, although may not. I hope you and your daughter are doing well and sending love ❤️

  3. I’m inpatient right now, it’s a rollercoaster, plus seeing so many others can be triggering sometimes. But I want to get better. I want to be able to enjoy eating as well, now I just do it cuz I have to and feel guilty if I like the food that is served.

  4. I’ve been involuntarily hospitalized at BMIs <13 three times. The first time, before I was hospitalized, I could barely stand for longer than ten minutes. The second time I was so consumed with burning calories even though I could no longer exert myself beyond walking I would spend nearly every waking moment attempting to pace or fidget. I could barely read. Every night my legs were so stiff I would collapse into bed and be unable to move until I woke up the next morning.

  5. Your story makes me cry; your words are so powerful and make my heart ache. I truly wish you all the strength you can to recover and make it through. You deserve to live. You deserve to feel energy and happiness and peace for many, many years to come.

  6. There is death in its physical sense - the ceasing of the body to function - but in my experience, it is the death of the spirit, of the self, that has been most relevant and, I think, is often forgotten. And yet it is fatefully tragic. The way anorexia kills your personality, sucks the life from you until you are an empty shell of who you once were. You can't think, you can't laugh, you can't feel... just numbness, nothing. People around you are laughing at parties, with friends around bonfires, cookouts, going out for drinks... but anorexia won't let you go to those events - what about the food, the calories, will there be something there I can eat? And even if anorexia does let you go, you won't be present; how could you be, when your mind is filled with thoughts of food, numbers, anxiety, when your body and mind is so tired from malnourishment and the stress of it all. Everything becomes a blur.

  7. Finding peace in the emptiness, without the commitment of a fast irreversible death. I’m basically the living dead. I don’t want live but I can’t choose death. So I choose the numbness of my ed

  8. Yes this was me. I'm slowly healing, becoming me a little more. It's hard but worth it. Show yourself compassion OP, you deserve it. You deserve happiness, you deserve a life. Sending love and healing thoughts.💕

  9. My blood pressure was dangerously low, and just standing up would bring my heart rate to 145. I got super weak and dizzy all the time; sometimes I would have to just immediately sit on the floor after getting out of bed because of it. My body temp would drop to around 96 degrees, and when it would, I would be totally zoned out and distant and slow mentally - it felt so bizarre. My period almost disappeared. And my hair started turning white from the ends up. Got hit with mild refeeding syndrome too - my body was so not used to eating that when I did, i would get really dizzy, my heart rate would go crazy high, and I literally would not be able to breathe (I could only get the most shallow breaths) for like 2-3 hours; I would have to lie on my side, sometimes on a cold floor, and not speak or move and concentrate solely on trying to breathe (thought it was panic attacks but it wasn't 😭). EMT friend confirmed I came very very close to dying.

  10. That’s so scary, thank you for sharing your story with us. Do you mind if I ask what they did to treat your refreshing syndrome?

  11. Hmm, I want to offer something genuinely helpful and I know EDs can get really tricky and lie to us (my ED has told me at various times that I "just needed to hit rock bottom and then I could recover" or wished I was this girl who got "more sympathy" who, within the same year that my ED was jealous of her ED, passed away…and she was freaking sweet and talented and young and deserved a life, her family deserved for her to recover, it's tragic). I know my ED could read health complications and a part of me could want them to scare me into recovery but my ED could also use them as reasons it's "not that bad" and can continue, or it's "different because [insert excuse here]." Let me just say a few things that might help motivate you to fight as har as you can for recovery. One is that life goes by fast. It's easy to think we have time to recover and then one day, all of this time just went by that we miss. It's okay to not know what we want in life, but we deserve a chance to experience the things we end up knowing we love, that we don't know about yet, if that makes sense. I had the worst depression and couldn't experience joy from my number one passion let alone ever imagine I'd find a passion I didn't yet know at the time. It was hard to motivate myself in treatment, because I was scared and uncomfortable and didn't know what I wanted, felt lost and trapped and without a clear direction. A part of me wanted to "keep my body alive incase I ever want it" and I literally journaled that, but I didn't know what for.

  12. Mind you I'm at a normal weight but lost over 25% of my body mass recently. Besides the hair loss, feeling weak all the time and because of that sleeping a lot and my lips / fingernails turning blue sometimes other things happened to me. Most of the time I get dizzy and can't see anymore when I stand up, but sometimes it gets to the point when I loose consciousness and even when I'm present I can't see, hear or do anything other than lie down anymore. In addition to that I feel super sick and the first time it happened I honestly felt like I was dying. I never went to the hospital, because my mom didn't think calling an ambulance was necessary and no hospital will take me as a non emergency, because my BMI is still in the normal range. I'm in recovery now and it doesn't happen as frequent anymore and I'm glad that it doesn't look like I'm gonna have permanent damage. My story may be not as dramatic as some others but believe me even my experience was so shitty that I don't wish it on anyone.

  13. People often forget that you can be hospitalized at any weight. It’s just a lot less common due to weight stigma. I’m happy to hear you’re doing better though! That whole experience must have been super scary.

  14. I joined this sub years ago for a very close friend who had an ED. I was so terrified for her and with no clue to help her, this was one of the things I tried to do, to understand her better. She had seizures very often. We could never be sure if the ED caused that or it was something altogether. She passed away in February. She had a seizure, hit her head and never woke up. Her body had nothing to fight with, because of the ED. You might have a direct consequence of the ED, as shared by others here, or you may have an indirect one where your body is so weak that it could not survive any possible trauma.

  15. I had a minor heart attack at work lol… it was kinda terrifying but at the same time I was so messed up mentally by the ED that I didn’t feel very much emotionally about that actual situation - except that I didn’t want to tell anyone at work because I wanted to protect the ED. I remember just knowing/feeling like around that time I was going to die but being like ok this is it for me. My heart rate was at 30bpm regularly.

  16. I made the mistake of reading everyone else's comments before I made my own - I stupidly wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions and dose of reality - so this isn't going to be as long (lol this still ended up long I'm sorry) or as meaningful as I was planning. I'm sorry. I wanted this to be much more succinct for you, but it's probably going to be a jumbled mess because my brain is also a jumbled mess. (to be clear, the other comments aren't bad - they're amazing! But they hit close to home and I hadn't prepared my emotions, something that I absolutely should have done. I want to thank EVERYBODY for your stories. I'm going to be holding them all, and you all along with them, for as long as I can.)

  17. My resting heart rate got down to 38 at my worst. I had no period so I was at high risk of osteoporosis (still have to do a scan). I got covid and I’m honestly surprised I survived. I’ve been in serious recovery for 2 months and my resting heart rate is up to 50 and my body is slowly mending. Weight gain is life saving and the only path to survive.

  18. it got to the point where I would go to sleep not knowing if I'd wake up the next day. I had frequent heart palpations, shortness of breath, and fainting spells. I was about to give my life to my ed at 16. the worst part is I didn't care. Everyday was centered around my eating disorder, so much so I didn't see the point to living. It was only when I told my best friend about the severity of my disorder did it make me realize people cared about me and would be crushed if I died.

  19. Meeeee. I had a panic attack eating a Danone 0% Greek yoghurt because it was “off plan” and went into what I believe was a cardiac arrest (I wasn’t told, but I was hooked up to a hell of a lot of wires and drips as soon as I was taken to hospital). I don’t know how the hospital let me get away with not eating anything for two days other than some melon. And the only things I asked my parents to bring to the hospital were my running shoes and leggings so I could run home from the hospital to my hometown as soon as I was allowed out (which I assumed would be a day max) 🤡🤡

  20. The first time I was hospitalized, it took 4 attempts between 2 nurses to get an IV in because they couldn’t find my veins. I had a giant bruise on my hand for 2 weeks after that because my body couldn’t heal properly.

  21. It's been commented in this thread before, but lack of energy and focus derived from anorexia can put you in very dangerous situations. I developed my ED while I was away at college. A couple times I blacked out just from waking up from my bed. I remember once feeling it coming and, barely conscious and losing my vision, munching an apple that was on my night table and hoping it would make the heavy sensation it go away. Didn't work, fainted on my way back from the bathroom because I didn't want to pee on myself. It was always scary, but another time I fell very near my iron bedframe. It dawned on me that the fall could have broken my neck and none would have noticed, since I was very much alone. ED voice was put to sleep for some time after that, but I relapsed with full force a couple of years ago. My resting heart rate was as low as 40, thought it was because "sporty"; my mind was fucked and I would cross streets without looking and, on one ocassion, almost run on by a car while I was busy body checking me on a crystal wall at the other side of the street. During lockdowns I worked out so much that my brother half joked that he was afraid he will find me on the floor one day; once I was doing exercises lying down and he frantically ran to me. My dad would wake up in the middle of the night, "negotiate" with me for "just" 30 minutes more of exercise and appear exactly at the end of that time frame, not a second more, to see I was getting in bed. On the rare ocassion I felt compelled to have a bit more of food my mom would gently encourage me while the whole family stared at my quietly, as if not wanting to "scare" me and "spoil" the moment. I was dying before their eyes. Don't do this. The ED just wants one thing of you, and it's no good. Don't hear that bitch. Being her slave is much much worse than gaining weight, and despite their lies it will never grant you freedom or happiness, I promise.

  22. I did, my sister had to rush me to the hospital I couldn’t stop puking up acid I didn’t eat anything literally only drank water and was spitting up this yellow foaming acid that burned like heck. I get to the hospital and can no longer walk turns out my potassium was extremely low. I get transferred to another hospital, and I have the EMT guy pick me up and put me in my bed which was so embarrassing as my butt was hanging out my gown. Was only there for a month and some change. Had a PICC line hooked up to me, think my blood sugar was low don’t know really as most of it was blur. My sister said I looked like death walking it scared the crap out of her. Once I got out didn’t have a period for some months. I gained weight but I can not eat like I use to I get terrible reflux and stomach pain. Also forgot to add I was very short of breathe and the nurses had to force me to walk using these handle bars I felt terrible really dizzy nauseous the thing they had me hook to I had to drag it around the room, I couldn’t make it to the bathroom without my sisters help nurses were getting annoyed by me at that point. It was so embarrassing having strangers watch me pee being so helpless I felt so weak and lonely. The nurses loved to remind me on repeat I was their youngest patient there, I felt like they were reminding me on repeat I did this to myself and I’m taking up space for someone who had no choice. I am getting wayyyyy off focus anyway please don’t end up like me or anyone else here throwing up acid is not pleasant!!!!!

  23. Idk if I was gonna die cause this was a little under a year into my ed but I got hospitalized cause I was at. abmi of 15 and i collapsed at school and home and had hella heart palpitations. I was only 14. The destruction it does to your mental health is also terrible. You'll lose all interest in life. My ed contributed to me being so fucking boring, I'm in a fonstant state of anhedonia and I dont even have energy to maintain friendships. Its due to other stuff too but my ed definitely contributes to this. Its just hell. If it doesnt ruin you physically it WILL ruin everything around you.

  24. i've seen my heart rate as low as 40 BPM while awake. being hooked up to a machine while i slept inpatient was ironically comforting because i was always afraid my heart would just stop beating in the middle of the night.

  25. i’ve had a whole range of fucked up symptoms at a whole range of weights and the bottom line for fear is realizing you’ve lost control of your body. being a slave to dizziness, weakness, pain everywhere, nausea, brain fog so thick it’s like thinking through sludge until you end up in the hospital. fear is realizing your means of control has lead you to be more out of control than ever

  26. Not that I’m aware of, but I’ve had an ED for 12 years so I’ve probably come closer than I know. I had an incident before I went to residential where I likely had a partial seizure. The scary thing is most ED deaths are unexpected. You can fully weight restore and die because the damage was already done. Furthermore, purging behaviors can kill you within a day. I think I got lucky, but the truth is it could all come back to bite me without warning. You can’t wait until you know something is seriously wrong.

  27. Yes. I ended up in the E.R. in late 2019, but they couldn’t help me/do anything, It wasn’t an immediate recovery step once I returned home, but after a month, I started eating a lot more, because I told myself I didn’t want to die. I didn’t even realize I was starving myself — I thought I went in for other health reasons that needed to be resolved. I didn’t realize I actually had an eating disorder until around a year later.

  28. Not physical health (though I had some pretty bad side effects there to) but I kept thinking that once I lost enough weight, my mental health would get better. Turns out, I couldn't fix my self-esteem, anxiety, and depression while torturing myself to try and reach an impossible goal. No matter how much I lost, it was never enough for me to like myself. Instead, I had to go to a lot of therapy and learn to love myself as is without trying to change myself at all. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here. I don't know if it would have been my ED or my mental health that just kept getting worse because of how much I hated my body+self, but it definately would have been one of them.

  29. bradycardia. when standing up, my heart was at 40 b.p.m. at 16 years old, i was worrying about the same issues my grandmother of 79 was—a heart attack.

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