1. I think you are right, we both have alot on our plate. He does quickie microwave stuff for him and the baby thru the day. I pay for anything he wants and or needs. Saturday I bought him a few shirts from Academy just because. He said ugh I don't like Nike. Any ideas about how I can show appreciation? I always tell him thank you for cooking dinner, I appreciate him and he's a good dad. Stuff like that. I bet some SAHM understand what he's feeling. On the other hand I feel like an atm sometimes.

  2. Sounds like he does all the housework as he should. Man would love to see the reaction if gender roles were reversed, especially to that “I’m paying for it” comment.

  3. When you say “Hell I’m paying for it….” I winced a little. I hope you don’t talk like this in front of him. Being a stay at home parent can just suck you dry emotionally. And anger is a pretty common presentation of being down or depressed. I’d ask him what he needs to change to be happy and go from there.

  4. Imagine how this would be viewed if the ropes were reversed. A husband who says “hell Im paying for it” about his stay at home wife and who diminished his SAH wife’s contribution to the home.

  5. I mean I understand what you mean but in this context I don’t think it really applies. She wanted to look at the grocery list and add things to it. I don’t see any logical reason why his response would be no? Like yes, she should be able to add things to the household grocery list. She should be able to look at it if she wants to. Especially if she’s paying for it. I mean even if she wasn’t paying for it, they’re married in the same household. I’m trying to picture a scenario where I would do this to my SO but I just can’t, at all lol and I’m the one who pays for the groceries. This just seems like a very petty and annoying thing to do on the husbands part.

  6. No I haven't said that in front of him. It was a thought out of frustration. I bathe the kids, take the trash to the road, bedtime, do chores on the weekend but it doesn't seem to be enough. I think it's some depression maybe on both ends. I walk in the door from a busy stressful day and he's hands off right away. We need balance.

  7. Exactly. Im just going to go from his mindset: my wife, who is on a healthy kick, is trying to passive aggressively give me shirts so that I work out too (because this dynamic seems super transactional and passive aggressive). So not only is it a brand I don’t like (low effort in terms of being thoughtful), she also is trying to tell me I need to work out because she’s on a health kick.

  8. It’s a very difficult situation for both parents when kids are young. I want to be incredibly clear though, that’s not your money, it’s both your money. Don’t think so? He is the primary custodial parent, go online to your social services - you can calculate child support. If you divorce, put kids in daycare ($1000-$1500/month per child) he is 60% parentage, go check what you are going to bring home. Less than half your net likely. Go put some respect on his name, get some damn groceries, and show up at home. Really you are pulling some ‘50s mad men bs with the way you talk.

  9. Wonderfully said. Why is it when women bring home the bacon they end up turning in what they criticize . I’m a STAHM not cool how you see your arrangement. I have three kids one is special needs so much therapy so much everything plus you don’t get to interact with adults and all u hear is endless movies and children shows it’s really rough.

  10. I didn’t know it’s considered both spouse’s money. I’ve always been taught it’s just the working person’s. In fact, I did some googling and found out that financial abuse falls under domestic violence in my state. In case anyone is like me and didn’t know, financial abuse can look like:

  11. I appreciate your honesty. Should I be giving him like a set amount of money every so often for whatever he needs so that it's fair?

  12. As someone who recently became a SAHM, you sound pretty insufferable for him too. HE NEEDS A BREAK! You get time alone to yourself he DOESN’T. I guarantee he can’t even take a shit by himself. You think he doesn’t do much as if watching a toddler doesn’t require CONSTANT supervision and entertaining, meal planning every night, cleaning the same thing 750 times a day, disciplining children, helping with homework, pick ups, drop offs, and the list goes on. Why don’t you add up how much all of that would cost you and then pay him for it since you believe you pay for everything.

  13. An interesting thing to do would be for both of you to make a list of all the activities and time spent on your activities throughout the week then compare them. For instance he’d put 1 hour cooking dinner on Monday, x hours cleaning and you’d put x hours working (actually working not just at work socializing, being on your phone, eating lunch etc.), x hours on commute. I bet it would really open your eyes.

  14. An au pair costs $20k/yr on average - sounds like that’s what OP should consider if she doesn’t consider his workload real.

  15. I was a SAHM and I was grumpy and miserable for a whole year until I started working. Your husband is doing a lot. It’s not fair that he takes it out on you, but he is under a lot of fatigue and stress. I’ve been there. Have you thought about him going back to work and sending the baby to daycare? He might be happier that way.

  16. Dude "helping on the weekends" and adding to his grocery list is not being an active partner. I get work is rough but you decided to have all these kids and he's running the house so that life is a littler easier for them and you .

  17. Everyone thinks you’re not valuing him as a SAHD but that’s not the case. You don’t even want him to be a SAHD, he made that decision on his own because he wouldn’t work. It’s hard to appreciate your spouse for making a decision without you and then acting grumpy about that decision.

  18. It's possible this a case of substance abuse issues. People usually reserve that term for cases where it's life-ruining, but the fact is that if he's getting grumpy when he doesn't get his weed, he has an issue and is dependent on it. We also don't talk about weed addiction because it's not chemically addictive and people don't overdose from it, but I've seen people get so dependent that they start getting grumpy and weird when they aren't high.

  19. …”hell I pay for it”…. that, that’s why he’s grumpy. You probably do this with other stuff too. I’m a SAHM and my husband and I have a shared note on our phones where we add stuff to a grocery list throughout the week. Easier and it’s not one persons “fault” if something is forgotten. If he said that to me though we’d have some serious issues.

  20. Husband here- I do most of the chores and probably the majority of child care for our older child in our home. My wife has the same gener attitude as OP- “well, i make more money than he does and I do more than he thinks I do, for example, I do (minor chore here a few times a week)”

  21. I didn't say those words out loud, but I thought it. I'm sure you've had not so nice thoughts at times. I'm pretty certain he feels emasculated. Maybe we can not divorce and he can go back to work and I could use childcare again. That actually may help alot of things.

  22. Oh goodie - a lazy, self-entitled pothead supposedly watching your toddler all day, and who thinks it's perfectly fine for his WIFE to support his lazy, worthless ass.

  23. I'm not really sure how to respond to this one but the overall opinion so far is that I'm not appreciative of him or respectful. That I'm the one who needs to do more.

  24. I don't think either of you need to "do more", you all just need to figure out a better system that works for both of you. I'd take some initiative and put the other kid in daycare, even if it may hurt financially a bit. I'd even go the extra mile and figure out what he wants to do for a career, do his resume and help him get out there in the job market. I know the prevailing thought would be "oh he's lazy and should be doing all this stuff himself" but I kinda see it as a car with a dead battery. You need to give him a big jump to get him going.

  25. Is he ok being a SAHD. Sometimes our feelings just take over and mood doesn't get right because one doesn't get any time for self. Kids are hard. And mainteninga household , super hard. Maybe a few activities together as a couple breaks you all out of monotony.

  26. We don't get couple time. We had our baby later in life so our parents are older. My mother and father are always working. His parents are both home, but not physically able to keep up with the demands of a toddler. Maybe when she is a bit more self reliant. I could find paid childcare, but I'm not sure if they have that at night where I live.

  27. If my wife goes 4 hours without weed she becomes a demon out of hell. I hate the stuff. It could end up being the cause of our divorce.

  28. Being a stay at home parent is a full time job. It literally never ends. From the moment of waking up to the moment of going to sleep you are at work. You get to leave your home work your job and when you come home I bet you think “I’ve had a long day working I’m going to sit and relax for a bit” not thinking for one second that maybe your partner is exhausted and would like to relax for a bit also. Maybe they are tired and exhausted and just wanted to relax for a minute but your desire to interrupt that for your own wishes trumped their need to just sit. It is glaringly obvious that you don’t see what your spouse does as work and have no appreciation for all that they do. Your total lack of awareness to your husbands need is the reason he’s grumpy. Open your eyes, show some him appreciation and let him have time to relax everyday after his long day of work too.

  29. When I get home from work he immediately goes and takes a break to smoke and play golf on his phone. I bathe the kids, do bedtime, light chores, etc.I never just sit down and relax.

  30. It's tough for anyone to be a stay at home parent but I think it's harder for men because of the societal norms of men being the breadwinner. I know that's changing now but that culture is still prevalent.

  31. It's a fairness issue. He feels like if he has to physically go then I need to physically go. I've had groceries delivered a couple of times just to take the load off of him.

  32. Read some of the comments. Posters are not exactly happy with me. Some very assuming but I'm taking all of the advice in. I think people are very defensive of stay at home jobs because the overall feeling is it's unappreciated. I've been on both ends of the coin.

  33. Please give him a break away from the kid and house so that he has time for himself every day. Staying at home with a kid is way more exhausting physically and mentally than going to work.

  34. I appreciate this well thought out response. The kid yeeting themselves off the planet thing was hilarious and pretty accurate. I have alot to reflect on.

  35. Perhaps you have gotten into a cycle of resentment? You resent him for not working. He resents you for holding the purse strings. Get a sitter, go out for a walk or coffee or lunch and have a conversation about him getting back to work and you working on balancing the power dynamic in your marriage. A lot of this hinges on his SAH situation.

  36. I agree I could help out more. I also have to watch the finances because in the past when working he spent an entire paycheck on fun. We have had numerous conversations about him returning to work. He says he feels anxious about it. He is smoking pretty often thru the day and it's definitely a crutch. He left his previous position intentionally to be a SAHD temporarily which turned into 2 years. The rest of our relationship is actually good. This is really our only beef. We really don't argue often. I find it counterproductive. It was just an off moment.

  37. This is funny to me because I also have issues when I'm mad or having a bad day. Seems like it's harder for me to be off one day than my wife because she complains.

  38. As a child from a SAHM and working dad relationship my dad NEVER brought up that he paid for everything, my mom had FULL access to the cards, or anything like that because my dad believed her staying home and raising the kids was a gift for the family. It kinda of upsets me when you say “I pay for everything” well duh, but your not the only one who’s working or investing in the growth of your life. It is a privilege to know that everyday dinner will be cooked for you, the house will be cleaned and your child will be raised by someone who is their parent…. start treating them like that.

  39. A little about his history. He is horrible with money management. He's had a truck repossessed, spent an entire paycheck on fun and has been sued over other financial issues before. I do appreciate what he does but he honestly does the bare minimum and complains about raising his own daughter. To be able to stay home with her is also a privilege.

  40. My husband is also a SAHD and needs weed to be even keeled. It’s a very stressful role, a thankless job and can make someone stir crazy without adult interaction. Does he have any hobbies to use as an outlet? My husband started doing martial arts and has become friends with the other guys, and his attitude has improved immensely.

  41. He does not have any hobbies. He has purposely lost contact with old friends who are still using hardcore drugs. He didn't really have any stable sober friends.

  42. I thought it was a strange response, but hey I'm taking it all in and I will make an educated decision on how to improve things.

  43. its time to put the weed down until responsibilities are handled in a routine and structure. weed is in the way

  44. As a SAHM to a just turned one year old, I can honestly say I’m more grumpy now these days. I’m sure he’s doing more than you’ve noticed - because you’ve said you don’t want to go grocery shopping on your day off. So who’s doing the chores?

  45. I've not made many happy with my post! I don't feel like I am financially abusing him though. He has whatever access he needs. He's never had to go without necessities as a means of control. His refusal to go back to work and contribute to the family income has been brushed under the rug though.

  46. Curious if you've done the math on him going back to work and purchasing reliable daycare for all three children. The cost of daycare is insane, and there still a risk whoever you use will suck at it.

  47. I have done the math and we would still come out ahead after paying daycare if he was working. The addictions do add up $ wise. If he goes back to work it would be 50/50 on housework like it was when he used to work.

  48. This will sound harsh. You sound like my ex wife. Emphasis on ex. I was a sahd for five years. Wife would constantly make comments about “her money” and how I should be grateful for all the hard work she did. She worked 12-15 hours a day 6 days a week. She did not need to. No one else in her company did this. On her day off she would sleep and rest all day. I did ALL the night feeds, diaper changes, sleeping training, maintaining the house, etc. She still to this day doesn’t know how to mop or use a vacuum. Not joking.

  49. First and foremost comments like “I’m paying for it” to a stay at home parent is not only unkind, it’s a breeding ground for resentment. Imagine you were a SAHM - how would that sit with you?

  50. I fee this exact same way as a SAHM. I love my husband and I am grateful that he has such a great work ethic and provides so well for his family. I was working but it became financially irresponsible because one income would have been for nothing but daycare. I know he works hard and it has to be stressful being the only one financially providing. He gives me free reign over the money, knowing I am not a spend thrift and regularly tells me it is our money. I am responsible for all the cleaning, cooking, child care, etc by my own admission. He still helps and will do even more when I ask him.

  51. I'm a SAHM and this was physically painful to read, as well as a lot of your comments. Being a SAHP for a long term is hard. My first year was a breeze, my second year was okay, we added a second kid and the last two years have been brutal. I am painfully burnt out, and struggling on a day to day basis. In fact a win for the day in this house is that everyone eats 2 meals and a snack, and no one yelled.

  52. I'm definitely not sunshine and rainbows. We are both resentful and depressed. He is choosing to stay home and not go back to work when it is needed. I feel like if he's making that choice then why is he upset about what comes along with it. I've been a SAHM before and I NEVER said it was easy nor would I. I know how hard it is. I never said the money is all mine or anything like that either but every SAHM on here has crucified me. He has a shitty attitude everyday. If I came home from work and bitched about paying for everything to him and stomped around about being the only one working it wouldn't go over so well. I help with chores and kids. I'm not hands off. I just wanted to see what he wrote on the grocery list out of curiosity and to possibly write something down too and that made him mad.

  53. I’m a SAHM, idk what type of person he is but it sounds like he’s depressed, stressed and needs an outlet (hobby or time to himself) to spend without everyone around, being stuck at home with a baby can be frustrating and every day is different some a lot more stressful then others whether the baby has been screaming and crying all day or got into something and now there’s a mess to clean up on top of everything else. It’s also a lot harder to keep your cool with kids when you put up with them all day, not saying he doesn’t love them but some times it gets to you and you have a hard time when you’re surround by doing the same mundane things on a daily basis, it can create agitation. Men have a harder time showing emotion so it might seem as if he can emotionally handle what he has on his plate but clearly he needs some time out with his friends or on his own especially if he doesn’t typically get that, it’s just part of maintaining health mentally and emotionally. Have you guys sat down and talked out what things might stress both of you guys out, or triggers that you guys have? Even discussing where you guys can maybe agree to help one another so that the weight is not always unequal and heavy, sometimes it will be unequal based on situation at times but that’s where the communication should come in, when one notices the other is having a hard day (vise versa) and struggling it should be a thing to ask what can be done to help alleviate some stress.

  54. OP, it’s clear you don’t appreciate your husband’s role as a SAHD, why did you agree to letting him be one? Just because you’re on the payroll and he isn’t, doesn’t mean his workload isn’t valuable. You 100% deserve respect and appreciation for working 45 hours a week and being the breadwinner. I sincerely hope he does show it. What you do is fucking hard and there’s immense responsibility on your shoulders.

  55. I would say he is likely depressed, anxious and probably lonely. I work from home and often really miss being around people, especially adults. He may not 'feel like a man' because he is a SAHD and he feels stuck - not knowing how to change things. It seems like you both need to reconnect and remember you are a team and that you love each other. Can someone watch the kids and you 2 go away for a few days for a reset?

  56. We hardly ever have a sitter. Our last date night was 8 months ago. Family isn't available to help or just won't. I may need to look into paying someone. I took him to an Airbnb cabin in the woods on a weekend getaway for our anniversary last year. It had a hot tub on the porch. I also paid for couples massages. It was magical. We laughed and it was like old times.

  57. Child care is extremely expensive.His salary would prolly end up covering it. I work and my wife makes more then me when she brings it up it drives me insane. It’s always her money and my money I thought once we got Married it was our money not a battle of who makes more. I was a SAHD for a long time The best thing my wife has ever said to me was a text while I was at work “ I never realized how much you are needed in the morning the kids were asking for you it was a mess “

  58. We all had covid at the same time. I was trying to work from home while quarantined, sick and looking after sick kiddos. I'm glad that is over.

  59. Sorry I’m so late to this game but I’m just disgusted with the top comments. This is clearly a him issue, you’ve already mentioned divorce, and everyone is concerned with how you’re coming across to him and his feelings? The man is a problem, and you already know that. From my experience, it’s never gonna get any better with a husband like this- and “grumpy” means so much more than that. You have nothing to worry about as far as your tone, your choice of words, how you are acting or reacting. This is ALL him, and once you start bouncing all his bullshit back towards him and away from yourself (where it does not belong), you’ll see he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, and you’ll regret every moment u ever spent worrying about “appreciating” him at this point.

  60. well i mean, he does help u alot !! my guess is.. he is exhausted from it all, hes tired and doesn't know what do to or where to put his head. is he depressed also? cause that doesn't help it cause more irritability, for the weed i got to say i smoke to, when i was in a depression weed was the only thing that coud calmed my nerves, have u tried sit down and politely ask like babe how are you feeling? cause ive been threw there with my bf of 11 years and yes he and i was in a depression cause of the birth of out child wtv .. but we talked about alot and we took medication and now we are ok ! but depression needs sometime medication to help not just weed .. anyways.. try too talk it all out when he feels he's ok talking about his feeling, not when j guys argue cause it might've make him more mad! xx

  61. He's definitely depressed. I've offered to pay for him to go to a doctor and suggested going back to work since he feels so isolated. He just hasn't been able to make a move yet. Anxiety is my guess.

  62. My husband is a SAHD to our 1yr old and my 2 older kids (5 and 8). I WFH 40-50hrs a week and I'm in grad school and my husband is doing his undergrad.

  63. I wish I could do all of that. I only make 42K a year and I'm supporting the 5 of us. Maybe I'm becoming resentful because I need financial help.

  64. Kinda sounds like my marriage. We always had issues with lack of sex (I have more of a drive than my husband) and he doesn’t show any signs of affection or words of affirmation for me. During the pandemic we discovered he had a back injury and since I make enough to support our family I told him to just quit - found out I was pregnant a month later - he became a stay at home husband and dad to our older kid and new baby. He has the same responsibilities you mentioned and he’s just fucking miserable. He is suddenly very short tempered (used to have all the patience in the world), he uses marijuana for his back pain, he is always crabby and moping - doesn’t spend ANY time with me. I think he needs to get a job cause he’s CLEARLY unhappy but he’s unmotivated and complacent. Has absolutely no fucking drive to do Jack shit in life. I’m falling out of love with him because who wants someone like that?

  65. I upset a lot of people because I said dishes, trash, laundry one meal a day, watches the baby and that's it. It is a lot but with time management it can be done. I KNOW because I was once a SAHM, but that fact is being ignored. He never sweeps, mops, scrubs tubs, dusts etc.. What I meant is he sticks to those chores I named and nothing more. He even struggles to get those done and so I help(or my kids will do things like take out the trash, feed the dog). I think he struggles to complete tasks because he will watch tv series for hours 4+ hrs then rush to get things done before I get home. I know this because he has told me several times. I'm not sure if he's complacent or just fearful of change. I understand how it affects your desires. That's why I said my sex life is lacking. Someone thought he was holding out on me but I'm the one who feels this. I'm glad someone understands a little of where I'm coming from.

  66. I never said that to his face, but I thought it when I was frustrated. I'm sure some of the people giving me crap over that have thought things that weren't so nice a time or two. I do chores on nights and weekends. I am 100% available to the kids in the evenings and on the weekends. He regularly gets a 2+ hr nap when I'm home on the weekend. When I get home from work he always gets to break away for an hour to unwind. If the kids wake through the night, I get up too. I don't really have the funds for him to have a weekend getaway, but I do other things for him when I can. Regarding our financial situation, he needs to go back to work. Last night we discussed the cost of daycare, pay, part time vs. full time, etc. and we would come out ahead if he went back. I think this step would help his mental health as well. He just hasn't been able to take the initiative. I understand he is burnt out so this move needs to be made to fix it. I did the housework on my own while working full time and raising kids before we were a couple and it was a lot, but I got it done. Like some other posters have mentioned maybe staying home is just something he struggles with for many reasons. I have been villainized by many SAHM on here but they only have a piece of the puzzle. Also, maybe their own experiences have made them assume and reflect in such passionate ways.

  67. You know if he was writing this post, the feminist movement would be calling you a over controlling chauvinistic pig who has no appreciation for your significant other. They would be telling him to leave you and empower himself since you do not make him happy. You should talk together not tell him what to do maybe parenthood as equal partners work better for everyone.

  68. Your gender roles are completely reversed and however you slice it, that’s what is at the core of your problem. He needs to man up and become a provider and you need to start being a mother to your 3 children and a wife to your husband. I honestly don’t see how anything can be improved until he becomes the main bread winner and you start mothering more.

  69. Are you saying gender roles are ingrained? I've never stopped being a mother to my children. I could however be a better wife. There is always room for improvement.

  70. I would recommend you take an extra job so he can maybe go to a day spa. It sounds like he just needs to be pampered at a resort style type place for a weekend.

  71. So find a job working on Sundays to give him pamper time? I'm going to have to reflect on this one because my initial response is selfish I guess wondering when I get a break. I'm going to work on it tho.

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