1. There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn. I really want to know if this works or not.

  2. I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.

  3. Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lmao. Take my upvote

  4. I'm just imagining you running at the murderer with your blinding spear and you both freeze in confusion when the lamp unplugs long before you get to them.

  5. Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.

  6. The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary objective is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.

  7. Thats like the 12" cast iron pan i have beside my bed. Wife thinks it's a good choice weapon because I can "bonk" the bad guy as well as block their slashes and or shooting.......yaa.

  8. 5 minutes seems like more time than I need, just have to take a shotgun out of the safe, load a magazine and sit down in the kitchen and wait for the man to come and receive his medicine

  9. Jokes aside, but if You bring any heavy thing and just throw it at the person's head, You gonna knock them out for good. And even just throwing random dishes would make You dangerous as long as You are not too close to the killer. You wouldn't want to have a glass or porcelain thing thrown at You. Or hammer. And I also have sand for my tiel.

  10. I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, spray whipped cream on my dick and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: “I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”

  11. This is somewhat similar to my plan, which is already set up. I have a voice-activated routine on my Alexa. I say "Hey Alexa, Hail Satan", and Alexa replies "Welcome to the Thunderdome" as all the lights turn red and Slayer's Angel of Death starts playing. I have strategically placed bear spray in pretty much every room in my house, and quick access to a couple North full-face respirators. So I would get naked, mask up, throw on the Thunderdome, equip myself with my Ruger PC9 Carbine semi-auto 9mm, my 45-70 GVT with bear loads, a couple cans of bear spray, and then begin the creepiest game of hide and seek anyone could ever imagine.

  12. Make a nice cup of tea and offer it to him. When he is distracted, I stab him. If all else fails, I turn into a goat and move to Nepal.

  13. Omg. Kiddo comes up to me and asks. If you die in the living room, are you really dead? Everyday he has a new weird question to ask me.

  14. My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.

  15. Ask if he wants one too. If I go out having a good half drunken conversation, then I’d say it was a good way to end it.

  16. Put large pot of water on stove to boil. String fishing twine criss-cross on all doors so that whomever enters gets tangled up in it, trips and falls. When water is scalding hot, throw it on top of them. Have one of my dumbbells ready to smash in their skulls.

  17. I quickly pack a suitcase and put on a Tommy bahama shirt and sandals. I answer the door and before they can speak I express excitement at their expected arrival.

  18. My crossbow probably won't stop him since I've only got target points, but it'll sure slow him down and honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? He'll probably drop any weapon he's holding as soon as the shot lands.

  19. Don’t count yourself out. I put an arrow with a training tip through a 2x4 with a shitty(from Walmart I think) compound bow a few years ago

  20. Empty the kids toys all over the floor, call the police, get everyone else out of the house, and arm myself with all the kitchen knives. Also potentially hide next to the door so I can get them on the way in and maybe have the element of surprise.

  21. I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.

  22. If you added "the gun I keep in the glove box of my F150," this would be the most American sentence ever.

  23. Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

  24. Bro if I’m breaking into a house and some guy calls me a ruffian, I’m leaving. There is nothing in that house worth taking

  25. You jest, but I actually have a blunderbus that I would grab for home defense. It's worse than a shotgun in every way that counts, but it's also way more cumbersome and the pan flash blinds the wielder while also choking them with smoke.

  26. I’d love to break into your house, but if I use the doorbell can we skip the spicy super shotgun and jump to the historical weaponry??

  27. I go to my laundry room (with my animals) then i'm going up to the attic. Luckily the ladder blocks the door. Game over Mr. Slayer.

  28. As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."

  29. Take off all my clothes and wait in the doorway with a shotgun. Chamber around as soon as he enters. No one wants to fight the naked guy

  30. Strip nude. Backwards crawl towards them like I'm a horror movie. Stand up. Do my best to vomit at them. Screech your mother s#### c#### in hell. Then run towards them begging to come with saying I hate it here and I'm in love with them. 50% horror movie 50% codependent pyscho ex. 100% bat shit.

  31. Can't believe I had to scroll this far down for someone to think that they might want to let the police know about the crazed murderer on the way over.

  32. wait how did the spaghetti get in their pockets???? did it drop down from the ceiling and get in their pockets?

  33. Put on as many layers as possible with some sheets of paper in between them prison style and a motorcycle helmet . Grab the biggest mf out of the kitchen drawer and clear the entrance of any furniture. Assuming it’s just a guy unarmed or with also a knife i could win that match

  34. Wear nothing but a smiley face mask, a plate carrier and a condom. If that doesnt make them say nope, I feel a chainsaw would suffice

  35. I'm going to unlock the door, first off, no sense wasting money on fixing whatever damage the idiot does, then I'm going to spend about four minutes and fifty seconds desperately trying to teach my dogs about "restraint". I may take some time to put down newspaper or towels where I think most of the blood will wind up.

  36. Farm chores in the regular add up to some real strength. I got a 1920s player piano from a friend of mine. Her two brother-in-laws picked it up and loaded it in the trailer, no big deal. My then husband and 4 college wrestlers had to get it out of the trailer and up 5 steps into the house. It almost didn’t make it because they had no clue how heavy it was (even with the player piece removed). One of the brick front steps crumbled under my husband’s foot. It barely made it into the house. They were all looking at each other, trying to figure out how two guys loaded it without help. 😂😂 They really didn’t like me reminding them they’re not farm boys and really aren’t that strong.

  37. I have a shotgun and a .45 if I need it. I think I’m good. Though for the record, I’d try to hide really good because I’d hate to kill someone…mostly because I don’t want to have to talk to the fucking police.

  38. Yes this. Someone was trying to break down the gate to my apartment courtyard yesterday. I called the police by had my 9mm on me. The police showed up before I had to talk to the guys, which is good. I’d rather the police deal with the interaction and it’s consequences than having to do so myself.

  39. People are talking about guns and stuff, I'd put on a Halloween mask and have a chain saw. He'd shit his pants 100%

  40. First call the police, I’m kinda flexible so I’d try to hide in a kitchen cabinet but before that: start a livestream, if he kills me at least there will be footage or maybe it’ll gather police or tv news attention faster.

  41. I tape an iron (a super heated clothes straightener) to a broom handle and barricade myself behind the coach near a socket and start heating that iron till its red hot. I put a cooking pot over my head as a helmet to prevent head injury. I then poor grease/butter/olive oil all over the floor hoping he'll slip and I get some good iron branding in. Once he's on the floor suffering face, and hand, burn wounds, writhing on the floor: I go stab him with the kitchen knives. (Preferably also taped to a broom handle like a spear)

  42. Ahh suppressed 300. For when you don’t want to wake up the neighbors with the small nuisance of a home intruder.

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