1. Dang not succeeding is way scarier. I remember that day when I was 20, I drank a mouthful of hydrochloric acid. The chemical was so intense I spat it out on reflex and I just sat there on the floor, staring at the toilet bowl in a daze. My whole oral cavity was burning. It wasn't as easy as it seems.

  2. My dog came in and started cuddling me. It meant a lot at the time since I felt so isolated and was too afraid to speak abt what I was experiencing.

  3. I was making plans for how to make sure that my dog wasn’t left alone too long afterwards, but not risk someone stopping or saving me. He came into the bedroom and I lost it. Called my doctor the next morning and got help. The only time I cried harder was when he passed away 4 years later.

  4. my cat did the same thing one time i was set on it after a bad experience. i looked at her and completely broke down, how could i even think of doing that to her? i'm all she has.

  5. My cat at the time was a real spitball. Fiery fucker. At that point in my life, he'd been the only living being that had ever come between me and physical violence. And hell, I'd experienced so much violence I was shocked still to see someone actually give a fuck when I got hurt, even if he was a ten pound pissy, ancient tabby with the personality of a bit-rate Game of Thrones villain. So, needless to say, he was ancient, required five pills a day, and had at least one pet ER visit every month. And if I died, who the hell was going to take him? No one. No one was going to want this wretched fuck, and he was the only thing who had ever saw me get fucked up and go, "You know what? No. Not today," and then proceed to do damage the likes of which I could only really appreciate post facto. Every time I wanted to die because I was too tired of being in danger, because I was too tired of being alone, because everything was too much? Well, that didn't matter because he'd come in, sit on whatever it was I needed to get done, and I'd look at his crusty eyes and his nasty teeth three different animal dentists wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (nasty heart murmur issues), and go, "Fuck, man. I'm doing this for you." And the best part? He knew it. The vet gave him six months to live eventually. He dragged it out for another year and a half before I put him down with all the love and pity in my heart. But that fucked up little man, older than sin, saved my life, and we had each other's backs.

  6. Pets are amazing. I had a pet rat, Mulder, who saved me more than once. His cuddles and knowing how confused he'd be if I wasn't there the next day kept me going.

  7. my little sister, when she saw me sitting on my roof, she cried and cried and hugged me. seeing her like that rlly changed something in me.

  8. same here, man. I was in my room and had the knife to my throat, and right as I went to apply pressure, I remembered (thank you Jesus) that my sister was the only other person home, and that she would've found me dead and bleeding.

  9. This made me tear up. I am imagining my little sisters as well, they cried when I left for university. I can't think how they'd feel if they learnt that they'll never see me again. I feel just as bad for my parents because they're loving, excellent people but the reason I'm still on the fence is because of my sisters.

  10. For me it was my nephew. I don’t know why but the day I found out my sister was pregnant, it was like a switch was flipped. That little dude changed my life the moment I knew he existed. He’s special in a way I’ve never seen before. I know he’ll do big things and be better than us all.

  11. Same story but I was done trying to get clean off of opiates and was waiting for the high that finally did me in, and had already overdosed 9 times when I made a deal with my little sister to promise her that I gave it my all for 6 months and if I didn’t want to keep on being clean after those six months then I was free to do whatever I felt like without anyone else stepping in my way. Then I ate a bag of mushrooms that truly rewired my brain and made me see who I truly was. Haven’t looked back since. I have a beautiful baby boy today and almost 2 years since that deal with my sister and she still is my best and most brutally honest person I’ve met. Still calls me on my bullshit today.

  12. I had a childhood buddy from age 4-14. He committed suicide as a teenager and no one involved has stopped hurting from it up to this point, almost a decade later, and we’ll probably all hurt about it forever. Plus, I always keep in mind that no matter how bad I feel or how bad I want to end it all, it doesn’t have to be today. I tell myself that as many days as I need to which, sometimes, is every day.

  13. Until I read this I honestly thought the only comforting thing about committing suicide would be that everyone will eventually forget I even existed. Damn made me rethink about that too.

  14. This right here. My sister and ex husband, both who are awful people, would revel in it. I’d rather show them how happy I’ve become, even if it’s very difficult sometimes.

  15. My son. He was 6 at the time. He came in and asked for a snack. The thought of him never getting to ask for fruit snacks from me again, and me not being able to see him grow up snapped that thought out of my head real fast.

  16. yass, u gotta seem him grow up! keep it up <3 lil man without u woulndt be as happy, there are ppl that care alot for u for sure

  17. I feel you. I actually had a deep depression after being separated from my oldest daughter. Me and her mom split and I moved out and had to live without her and it just messed up my head so much that I would always be thinking of just ending it all. Then I had my second daughter with my current gf and it made things even harder because I now how to split my time between seeing my oldest or seeing my youngest (my oldest lives an hour away from me and I would see her every day after work and my youngest lives an hour away from work in 2 opposite directions) but after my youngest daughter was born it’s either see my youngest or my oldest. It was killing me inside and I hated my life. I’ve had moments where I thought their life would be better without me and would think of ending it all but then I would honestly get selfish and say to myself “if I end it I can’t see my little ones smile anymore. I can’t hear their laughs and see their smiles.” I just couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to miss them growing up had nothing to do with them having to grow up without me it was just me thinking I didn’t want to miss those things it’s weird because when your dead you don’t miss anything you don’t feel anything after but I’m my mind I would miss it and it made me sad thinking that so I would never do it

  18. My Mom was my reason too. I couldn’t stand the thought of putting her through that kind of pain for the rest of her life.

  19. My step-dad caught me smoking once when I was a teenager. He said, “every time you’re about to do something stupid like that, I want you to say, ‘fuck you, mom’, because you may not realize it but that’s what your actions say”

  20. I was so depressed that I couldn’t get my shit together enough to actually make and follow through on a plan. I only wanted two specific things from my plan - make it look like it wasn’t suicide so my kids wouldn’t be traumatized by that and make it a sure thing that I died and wasn’t just horribly injured and worse off than before the act. But when you’re that depressed, it’s really hard to make and execute plans, so I didn’t actually make it happen.

  21. im so gald you couldnt make it though as well, even if it were an accident your kiddos would be so sad if you had just left them like that <3 keep it up!

  22. oh damn ;) got me on that one xd, deffo stick around for both! both are worth it and you'll find many more things worth your time

  23. It's not worth it. Plus, I've been fighting for so long. I wanna see how this would turn out for me. I wanna see me win against what I'm going through

  24. Yep. Honestly I have felt suicidal on and off for the past 25 years... been close a few times, but luck and procrastination have managed to get me this far. I don't really ever see my life improving in any way so hopefully my distracted mind stays that way.

  25. That's my wife's job actually. She cleans up after suicides, murders, natural deaths, crime scenes, etc. Her technical title is biohazard remediation supervisor

  26. I worked in a hotel. A guy rented a room, covered it plastic wrap and then shot himself. He left a note apologizing and saying he wanted to leave clean up as easy as possible.

  27. I had to help do it when my best friend shot himself in the head in his highrise apartment. His cat had brain matter in her fur when we got her to her new family. I still have night.ares about the horrible things I saw, crime scene cleanup folks are incredible angels.

  28. I had a plan for this. I was going to have a hiking accident and accidentally fall head-first into a waterfall. The fear of being mangled but not dieing, delayed me taking action. That and the fact that getting out in nature shifts ones perspective, and once you out there with the trees and birds, life doesn't seem so overwhelming.

  29. This is why suicide by train was always at the absolute bottom of my best to worst suicide methods list (yes, that's a thing I had for a while.) Not only does it make a huge mess, it also holds up a lot of commuters just trying to get on with their day, and potentially traumatises the poor train driver.

  30. Totally. My sister found me in the bathtub almost dead. I woke up in th hospital realizing I had to turn shit around. It took my mom forever to clean up all the blood. If I was decomp it would have been way worse. Now that i have dealt with soup bodies at work the fat and slime can only be described as incredible.

  31. My mom’s dad painted his ceiling with a shotgun when I was only a couple years old - she didn’t tell me until I was older that she and her siblings had to clean it up. I think of that whenever I think of shooting myself and it helps me stop.

  32. A stranger from Reddit saved me with a bit of financial assistance and kind words. He’s currently helping me find a new job :)

  33. You are lucky to have such a friend! I'm glad you changed your mind, life is full of pain but one can learn not to suffer from it.

  34. Yass keep it up! dont let her down and im sure you'll find something worth it besides your promise, but i hope you always have that promise to hold on to! <3

  35. I wrote letters for people I loved. Told myself I wouldn't end it without finishing those letters. The only one I hadn't written yet was for my mom. Couldn't bring myself to write it and it kept going until I found the strength, somehow, to fight it and get better. Having supportive friends helped a lot too

  36. I glad that it's worked out. One of the things that stopped me was people not understanding why, and that I hadn't written enough. It's an interesting reason, and interesting to know that it's shared. But I guess that's true more next to all human experiences.

  37. this is a brilliant strategy. i also have a long backlog of loving letters fo write ❤️ something i do to help myself is write love poems. love poems about nothing or nobody, love poems about myself, love poems about grief and loss, love poems about bad days. everything can be a love poem if you want it to.

  38. Well damn…that just motivated the heck out me. I have struggled with something similar (and still do if I am being honest). I found that if I reframe my measure of success it works out a little better. Instead of discovering the cure for cancer and helping millions, I can use my position at work to set the conditions for a subordinate to succeed long term. Is history going to remember me, no…but that person will and that is still pretty good.

  39. When I was in late middle school and early high school, I had those thoughts. I would tell myself that if I could make a "pros and cons" list that really made suicide seem like the preferable choice, I'd do it.

  40. I had music playing, and a song came on that made me think of the northern lights, and how I'd never gotten to see them. That led to thinking of all the different things I had always wanted to see and do... and I came to the conclusion that what I wanted wasn't to die, it was to not live the life I was living.

  41. oh damn, im so glad you got to experience all that and didnt end it all prematurely, next up ya gotta see the northern lights xd, just dont feel like you have nothing else to see after that cuz u do!

  42. That’s what did it for me. I was too interested in what was going to happen. To me and to the world. I’m happy I got through it because looking back now it’s gotten so much better

  43. I attempted 8 times and failed. Then my twin brother died (heart attack at 29). That shit changes you. I still get the thoughts but I’m in a better place mentally so I have the tools now to steer my brain in a better direction.

  44. exactly, we'll all die one day so why should we do it early, might as well tough it out and last as long as we can to witness noice stuff!

  45. Was really suicidal all high school bc of the abuse I did encounter at home. I am the oldest so I had the pressure to protect my siblings at all cost, and would not tell anyone about the abuse bc I was scared it would separate me from my two siblings. I also thought I was the reason why the family was dysfunctional, as I was the scapegoat and black sheep of the family (bc I was openly queer and my mental illnesses could not be hidden, as I had pretty severe OCD at the time) However, this pressure to protect my siblings is also what saved my life multiple times as I didn't want to hurt them by committing suicide. However there was one time where I almost managed to succeed, actually, if a teacher didn't see me and if one of my best friends at the time didn't realize what was happening, I would be dead by now - edwie

  46. Yes please, keep it up, im so glad your brothers exist and your teacher stopped you! good luck and i hope u find whatever it is that might help you live through it all!

  47. That’s my biggest worry. Nobody would rescue my dog because no one ever checks on us and she’s all I’ve got

  48. Honestly I don't have the guts to "end it all" moreover I know deep in my heart that there are people who love me....who care bout me.. who can't handle shit without me even though I say stuff like "I got no friends" "I'm a disappointment" all the time. You definitely don't wanna hurt them by ending it all mate. That's definitely never an option. Just think about them and move on mate.

  49. When my oldest daughter died from trisomy 18 I didn't want to live. I felt so much guilt. I felt guilt for not knowing my.firsr doctor lied. I felt guilt for not being able to keep her inside longer. I felt guilt I couldn't save her and I felt guilt that it was likely my damaged egg that caused it. I survived the c section. I had physical scars and breasts full of milk waiting to care for a baby that would never come home. I hated myself.

  50. I saw a comment in suicide not being about wanting to die, but wanting the feelings to stop while living. Very impactful. I hope it helps others. I dont know how to link their comment here...

  51. This reminds me of a quote, might be the one you're thinking of: "do you really want to die, or do you just want to stop feeling this way?"

  52. Ok but like, what if just basic living constantly produces those feelings? It’s not even big, clearly distorted feelings, it’s just smallish everyday things like awkwardness, fear, disappointment, and the return to mediocrity and failure that are all just so constant and so inevitable and so overwhelming in how they hit over and over and over with no hope of change. It’s not just “some feelings”, it’s nearly every little feeling that’s guaranteed to come back because that’s just how life is.

  53. Personally, my lowest moment was when I had felt... Nothing. For days. Work was either slow or frustrating and I didn't care either way, the tv was always on just to make noise, talking to people didn't make me feel better, it made me feel like I was bothering them if they even answered... I thought to myself if none of this matters then what's the point.

  54. Eh it's too difficult to do. It would traumatize my family. Doesn't mean I'm still never think of it, just less likely these days. I'm more sane with gym open

  55. Hey! luckily i've never seriously thought about it, sure the thought as crossed my mind once or twice but never anything serious, im just here trying to help ppl vent and to help them if i can, tyvm for your post and support tho <3 im so glad it worked out for you!

  56. The fact that no matter what I attempted I couldn’t physically die. For instance I hung myself with a belt and I passed out, woke up on the floor with a snapped belt tight as fuck around my neck

  57. Leaving my mother behind.She was already traumatized with my dad’s ending of his life and she be more traumatized and heart broken if she looses her only child

  58. I don't think anything really made me change my mind. I discovered that I'm just too pussy to kill myself.

  59. I was on a bridge, ready to jump. I stopped because I was afraid I might not die, and end up a parapalegic instead. I was completely in psychosis at the time from schizophrenia, hearing voices and terrified. I'm glad I didn't jump obviously. Life changed for the better. If I'd jumped, and had died, I never would have met my daughter and husband. So for ppl who feel suicidal at all, please remember things can and will change. It's just painful at first, it's like growing pains. Life can and will surprise you!

  60. I was 12 at the time, I had already planned everything and was going to shot myself. When I was completely alone at the house I went for the gun and sat down, thinking about it. In my mind at the moment, I couldn't find any reason not to do it, so I pulled the trigger.

  61. Counseling and getting diagnosed as bipolar - which led to getting the proper medication for it which has drastically changed my life for the better.

  62. I couldnt help of thinking of all the ways I could make life worse if I tried. If I jumped, I could be paralyzed. If I took pills, I could have severe liver damage. The list goes on.

  63. Exactly how I feel. Something always pushes me another week or so and then I kinda get distracted and go back to walking thru life and eventually it gets prominent again. Rinse and repeat.

  64. Hell, not worth it G, just gotta stay around and witness something worth your while, else just make something worth your while happen ^^ u got this <3

  65. At one point it was because of how desperately I wanted to see the last season of Game of Thrones. Can you imagine what a fucking let down that was?

  66. Me too. I'm trying to figure out a way to circumvent that. Maybe make up a story that I've gone to do missionary work in a country that doesn't have internet or phone service?

  67. There’s no way to really do it without pain and suffering plus I’m too much of an optimist to actually do it

  68. Yea, + its not rly worth it to do it, might as well stick around for as long as you can ^^ keep up ur optimism and im sure itll work out for u! <3

  69. When i was a kid (its blurry, i dont really remember, maybe like 1st/2nd grade), i go to church a lot. I remember that i cried that day. I dont remember why, my parents told me its because anday erlier my brother went to another city, and i dont want him to leave me.

  70. I had actually gone through with it. I won’t go into details but I was passed out in my car and my car died. I came too and when it had sunk in what I had just tried to do I just went home. When I got back I saw how happy my dog was to see me and how excited my friends were to see me finally go out with them that very night.

  71. The risk of not surviving suicide would put me in worse debt or in bad physical conditions to make a decent living. I have 3 failed attempts, luckily I didn’t have lasting injuries. I’m in therapy btw, I’m just at this point kinda nihilistic cause it’s so expensive to live.

  72. I didn’t want my wife or kids to find me dead in the tub. Figured that would be just as traumatic for them so I didn’t.

  73. Still haven’t changed my mind. I’m just a pussy and I’m scared I’ll screw something up and be stuck in pain until I actually die years from now.

  74. I care for my disabled wife. Otherwise, I would be happily gone. Still have to fight the urges every day.

  75. Nothing really, i just choose to live because i hope to be accepted by someone one day, im a straight white male age 22 but i look and behave very feminine as i grew up in a very bad environment with toxic masculinity everywhere, i also grew up poor in a very classist society and religious family, but i am an atheist. So out of all people only the poor drug dealers and addicts accepted me so i just roll with them because they get in danger, and i really wish to die as soon as possible it would be a dream come true to me. I dont want to be alone or suffer by being punished for being myself anymore, honestly i'd pay anyone here on reddit to just kill me.

  76. I don't know where you live, but if you can, please move somewhere else, even countries. There are places where more feminine men are accepted and even particularly liked by a good bunch of women. Myself I do like them. I see feminine men often around carrying a normal life. You can be accepted, you deserve to bee with decent people and there's nothing wrong with your appearance!

  77. Similar experience with mushrooms, just a profound sense of wonder then an experience I described afterwards as "suddenly just feeling OK. Like the baseline of my emotions just reset back to normal". Followed up the trip with 6 weeks of counseling and by the end I was getting my life back on track and out of the deep dark hole. So glad I didn't go through with the exit strategy I'd planned.

  78. My 6th grade english teacher that cared for me when I was 12 and in that mindset. Nobody even knew, nobody knows still, except for her because years later, I told her and told her the impact she had on me.

  79. Well at first it wasn’t my choice but mostly because the doctors said they would send me a fourth time to the mental hospital in a more serious section if I continued the way I was going. Today it’s still a fight in my head and I always try to find a reason for me to live even if a part of me doesn’t want to.

  80. Literally only my friends and my dog. Like i dont know i just imagine a life without them even though i just didnt feel like having to live through my life

  81. Had just got home from Afghanistan and I was a mess. Was in the bathtub with a box cutter in my hand. Was ready to go but my two young kids, 5 and 6 years old, bust through the door after school and stood there excitedly telling me about their days at school just smiling from ear to ear. I realized at that moment I couldn’t leave them alone and wouldn’t want to miss the people they’d become. Fast forward many years and today they are 24 and 23. As the years went by and I sought out help from the Dept of Veterans Affairs, they both saw what it did for me. They both ended up graduating college and going to work for the DVA, helping to save the lives of other veterans. They have no idea that the first veteran’s life that they saved was mine.

  82. I don't i have suicidal thoughts. I think its more of an impulsive thought for me. Like if im near an edge or holding knife, i think " i should jump or stab myself to feel what its like. And it doesn't happen often. Is it just me?

  83. I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I'm pretty sure there has to be at least one suicidal person that just thought "Ooo, Pizza." And then just completely forgot about killing themselves.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

News Reporter