I want to at least give Counseling a fair shot before I pull that trigger. This has legitimately been the first time she's ever shown this kind of attitude so I want to give her a chance to see the err of he ways. That being said, if she's unwilling to even try counselling then yes, my next step will be filing for divorce.
I totally get it and know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care that deeply about. Her reactions so far, combined with her behavior, do not suggest she is going to be willing to take responsibility for her actions. That's one of the worst characteristics for a partner to have. That said, I hope she changes her tune and gets her shit together. You shouldn't get your hopes up, and I think inside you know this is the beginning of the end.
The problem is that she even wants to communicate with him. You're right to question it and it basically means you shouldn't waste your time with her. Sorry, man.
Just be honest with her and don't fall into the sympathy trap she is setting. Tell her that you care about her well-being, but you are content with your current life and don't plan to change any time soon. Be firm, so she knows you mean it.
It's not worth saying anything about her well-being, as it will be used against OP. Once someone demonstrates they aren't acting in good faith, it's a mistake to approach them as if they are.
This is also the reaction of years of this. I do love him a lot. I just do not feel heard at all. Like I said in the other comment, I cannot find a way to reach him where he will actually hear me because he's taking our whole relationship to his mom first. I finally put 2 and 2 together after years of this and I am a bit spiteful. I feel lied to myself because I thought we were evenly working through life together, but he's been having the opinions of an outside very biased source this whole time.
It is not typically normal to be cheated on 4x in a row so I tried to find the logical solution as to what would be lacking in a relationship to make them look elsewhere. I'm lost as is but I'm not trying to go to my mom or friends because I don't like airing our relationship out
I mean, the stronger pattern is that he keeps dating people that are bad partners. That's more consistent than the cheating, unless you are also doing that.
I am willing to bet a lot of us experienced this. I certainly did, and yes, it was jarring. My ex never showed remorse but she did show sadness at having done what she did... But with a bit of time trying to process the shame, she quickly started accumulating excuses that turned into attacks on me.
"She begged me for a second chance, and even said that she would cut off her friends who enabled her and suggested that we could go to couples counselling."
The main thing that existed from the start was that she demonstrated she had no issues with casually lying about small things. I of course let that go, ultimately because I told myself she would never lie to ME about anything big. So I didn't miss it but I downplayed it and that was a terrible mistake.
Can't remember what I said exactly but it was the third time I confronted her and I made it clear this time I knew something was going on and that she needed to tell me or I would cancel our bachelor/ette trip we were going to leave for in about a week. We had been planning that trip for over a year and a lot of people were involved. We were chatting over Gchat and were in a distance relationship at that point.
First, this is why the most common advice is that such a letter should never, ever be sent. No matter how you feel it will be taken, the target never receives it the same way. Primarily, that's because the target doesn't think or act the same way you do. They don't behave the way you would behave. They don't respond to things the way you would. So, you get reactions that are wildly different from what you anticipated.
Yeah my first reaction to reading this was how naive the therapist had to be to think this was a good idea to begin with. They should not be working with someone like OP if they can't get that incredibly easy part right.
Yes, they ate the entire cost, happened at about 82K, GM gave me a corporate loaner and i just drove it and used Enterprise car wash weekly and mileage check, till it was done. They called me weekly, and told me it was on back order. When it was done i got a $250 credit for future work at Cole Krum in Schoolcraft mi.
I mean, I wouldn't want to stay with someone I couldn't respect. And he cheated on top of all that, so I'd say this relationship is going to end. It's just a matter of when you decide to pull the trigger.
If you are aware she is doing this, how could you ever feel safe in this relationship? Come on, man. Get out before something really insane happens. It's headed in that direction and I think part of you knows it.
Just because you forgive someone it does not mean you should or will stay with them.
Thanks for the heads up, Prid3.
I think everyone has the wrong idea. They keep telling you to get your kid out of there, NO... Get your wife out of the house.
I do agree with this, though I doubt OP will be willing to do it.
I want to at least give Counseling a fair shot before I pull that trigger. This has legitimately been the first time she's ever shown this kind of attitude so I want to give her a chance to see the err of he ways. That being said, if she's unwilling to even try counselling then yes, my next step will be filing for divorce.
I totally get it and know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care that deeply about. Her reactions so far, combined with her behavior, do not suggest she is going to be willing to take responsibility for her actions. That's one of the worst characteristics for a partner to have. That said, I hope she changes her tune and gets her shit together. You shouldn't get your hopes up, and I think inside you know this is the beginning of the end.
Nothing here says I’m staying. It says I understand she has a broken worldview from her past. Anger is not always the best solution friend.
You're looking at this in a really unhealthy way.
The problem is that she even wants to communicate with him. You're right to question it and it basically means you shouldn't waste your time with her. Sorry, man.
Just be honest with her and don't fall into the sympathy trap she is setting. Tell her that you care about her well-being, but you are content with your current life and don't plan to change any time soon. Be firm, so she knows you mean it.
It's not worth saying anything about her well-being, as it will be used against OP. Once someone demonstrates they aren't acting in good faith, it's a mistake to approach them as if they are.
If you are serious about your partner, don't go.
For me, it was the moment when I realized the person I loved didn't exist.
This is also the reaction of years of this. I do love him a lot. I just do not feel heard at all. Like I said in the other comment, I cannot find a way to reach him where he will actually hear me because he's taking our whole relationship to his mom first. I finally put 2 and 2 together after years of this and I am a bit spiteful. I feel lied to myself because I thought we were evenly working through life together, but he's been having the opinions of an outside very biased source this whole time.
You "put 2 and 2 together" and concluded that he was cheated on because of this particular issue you have with him?
It is not typically normal to be cheated on 4x in a row so I tried to find the logical solution as to what would be lacking in a relationship to make them look elsewhere. I'm lost as is but I'm not trying to go to my mom or friends because I don't like airing our relationship out
I mean, the stronger pattern is that he keeps dating people that are bad partners. That's more consistent than the cheating, unless you are also doing that.
Totally understand the frustration and sorry you are going through this.
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So, do you have any integrity or not?
Waste of time, debating racism with a racist. He thinks he is superior. You certainly won't convince him otherwise.
If anything, he will likely attack you for making him feel ashamed.
I am willing to bet a lot of us experienced this. I certainly did, and yes, it was jarring. My ex never showed remorse but she did show sadness at having done what she did... But with a bit of time trying to process the shame, she quickly started accumulating excuses that turned into attacks on me.
"She begged me for a second chance, and even said that she would cut off her friends who enabled her and suggested that we could go to couples counselling."
The key here is that she's still shifting some of the blame towards her friends. That's disgusting for multiple reasons. OP, you did well.
The main thing that existed from the start was that she demonstrated she had no issues with casually lying about small things. I of course let that go, ultimately because I told myself she would never lie to ME about anything big. So I didn't miss it but I downplayed it and that was a terrible mistake.
What did you say to make her admit it? How did you "challenge her in such a way that ultimately forced her to reveal" the affair?
Can't remember what I said exactly but it was the third time I confronted her and I made it clear this time I knew something was going on and that she needed to tell me or I would cancel our bachelor/ette trip we were going to leave for in about a week. We had been planning that trip for over a year and a lot of people were involved. We were chatting over Gchat and were in a distance relationship at that point.
Anybody that won't stand up to and enables bullshit from their parents is not worth marrying.
First, this is why the most common advice is that such a letter should never, ever be sent. No matter how you feel it will be taken, the target never receives it the same way. Primarily, that's because the target doesn't think or act the same way you do. They don't behave the way you would behave. They don't respond to things the way you would. So, you get reactions that are wildly different from what you anticipated.
Yeah my first reaction to reading this was how naive the therapist had to be to think this was a good idea to begin with. They should not be working with someone like OP if they can't get that incredibly easy part right.
Yes, they ate the entire cost, happened at about 82K, GM gave me a corporate loaner and i just drove it and used Enterprise car wash weekly and mileage check, till it was done. They called me weekly, and told me it was on back order. When it was done i got a $250 credit for future work at Cole Krum in Schoolcraft mi.
It appears mine is failing at almost exactly 82K as well (2018). I'm supposed to get a loaner tomorrow, we'll see how that is.
I mean, I wouldn't want to stay with someone I couldn't respect. And he cheated on top of all that, so I'd say this relationship is going to end. It's just a matter of when you decide to pull the trigger.
If you are aware she is doing this, how could you ever feel safe in this relationship? Come on, man. Get out before something really insane happens. It's headed in that direction and I think part of you knows it.
Sad.
you saw the whole journey as a privalege? It sounds like we’ve experienced very similar growth but I still struggle with being ‘grateful’.
Yeah, trying to convince yourself it was a privilege feels like unhealthy coping.
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Yep, still making excuses. Pretty standard for a cheater and I really hope he knows better than to bother trying to make things work with her.
Didn't effect my self-esteem so much, just made me want to give up generally. Took away my motivation.
Yeah so this was clearly a good development. You learned sooner that she's not worth being with. If you stick around, you will regret it.