1. I don't get parents like this. If children inconvenience and annoy you so much, just don't fucking have them...

  2. Can we please dropkick this pasty fuck into the sun already?

  3. I keep thinking it can't be possible to experience this much schadenfreude and not have some kind of an adverse effect.

  4. I have a few post-its with numbers on them in my wallet. I don't know what they mean.

  5. Oh no, now he has to make his own lunch. How unfortunate.

  6. I would like to order five hydrogen peroxide rinses of my naturally placed eyeballs.

  7. Yes. I eat a lot of Korean and Japanese food so I use them at least as often as regular silverware.

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